
Class J ffa3<f/ 

■Book ^_La.__ 



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THE MOST PKOMINENT MAN IN "THAT CONVENTION 



THAT CONVENTION; 



OB, 



Five Days a Politician, 



BX 




Profusely ItLusTkAfED BVFRXriK? BeariJ. 



NEW TOEK AND CHICAGO: 
F. G. WELCH & CO., PUBLISHERS. 



AGENTS FOR SUPPLYING THE TRADE : 

-AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, NEW YORK; 

NEW ENGLAND NEWS CO., BOSTON; 

WESTERN NEWS CO., CHICAGO. 

1872. 







THE MOST PROMINENT MAN IN "THAT CONVENTION 



«7~K -a 3 7 / 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1872, 

By F. G. WELCH & CO., and E. H. TRAFTON, 
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 



{J I3J 



TAYLOR & BARWOOD, Electrotypers, 27 Rose St., N. Y. 




DEDICATED 

TO 

Those \rao Saved theie Country 

AT 

SIN-SO-NAUGHTY; 

TO 

THEIR CONSTITUENTS WHOM THEY (MIS)REPRESENTED; 

AND TO 

All the "Intelligent Votees " Who Claim the Protection 

OF T HE 




/ 

A CHAPTER OF CHRONICLES. 



1. In the days when Ulysses, whose surname also was Grant, 
reigned upon the earth, in the seventy and second year, in the fifth 
month, on the first day of the month : 

2. It came to pass that there were gathered together with one ac- 
cord in one place, sundry sons of Belial, plotters ; the same also were 
called Soreheads. 

3. (And the name of that place was Cincinnati.) 

4. The same also were Joseph of Missouri, and William his part- 
ner; Brown, whose name also was Gratz; Schurz, a mighty man of 
war; Train, also, who slew his thousands with the jawbone of an ass; 
even his own; 

5. Reuben, who was wroth because Murphy sat at the receipt of 
custom; Horace, whose name also was "White; and "Wells, surnamed 
David, who were Free Traders, Sadducees; 

6. For they hold to the resurrection of Low Tariff ; 

7. And many more. For the time would fail me to tell of John, 
the same was a giant; and of Clay, surnamed Cassius; and Town- 
send, who was of the inhabitants of Gath; 

8. And of Reid, who was one of the Tribunes; and of the rest, 
Pharisees, Gettights, Hittites, Jebusites, dwellers in Cappodacia, 



VI A CHAPTEK OF CHBONICLES. 

which is Chicago, Elamites, Syro-Phenicians, Armenians and Bed- 
lamites. 

9 . -And the number of these, even of the Soreheads, was about six 
thousand. 

10 But there were certain of the princes of the people, great ones, 
who went not down thither, but stood afar off, like the sister of 
Moses, to see what would come to the child, even the Convention. 

11. These were Palmer, who was unstable as water; Davis, also, 
the judge ; Chase, the high priest ; Trumbull, who was of the San- 
hedrim; 

12. Curtin, the tetrarch of Pennsylvania; and Greeley, who said 
in his haste that all men were liars. 

13. But Adams, who was the son of John Quincy, who was the son 
of John, when he saw that the people desired him to be King 
over them, 

14. Took his pen, and wrote to Bowles, his friend, saying: Charles, 
to Samuel, greeting: Draw me, I beseech thee, out of that crowd. 

15. And when he had written, he sealed it, and took ship for Tarsus, 
the same is Liverpool, in the islands of the sea, afar off. 

16. Sumner, also, went not down thither; for he said, Should I sell 
my birthright for a mess of pottage ? 

17. And when they were gathered together they took beams and 
planks, wood of the cedars of Lebanon, and of the pine tree, and 
built them a tabernacle. 

18. And they entered into it and took Matthew, the judge, and set 
him up in the midst of them and said: Hail, temporary chairman of 
the Convention. 

19. And when he had beckoned with his hand for silence, he spake 
unto them saying : Men and brethren: I perceive it is meet that all 
things should be done in decency and order. 

20. Tarry ye, therefore, and eat some meat, and refresh yourselves; 
and when ye have slept, come and let us take counsel together. 



A CHAPTER OP CHRONICLES. VII 

21. And he said unto the leaders : What have ye ? And they 
answered and said : We have here twelve resolutions and two nomi- 
nations; but what are these among so many? 

22. But the multitude desired Schurz and would not be comforted 
because he was not. And they cried aloud: Great is Carl Schurz of 
the Missourians, for the space of two hours. 

23. And when Matthew, the judge, saw that the tumult of these 
men, republicans and sinners, would not be appeased he adjourned 
the meeting. 

24. And the evening and the morning were the first day. 

25. And all the acts of the Soreheads, what they did, how Brown 
whose surname was Gratz, with Blair, the son of Belial, sold them- 
selves for thirty- pieces of silver, and how Greeley was nominated; 

26. And how there was weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of 
teeth among the friends of Chase, the high priest; and Davis, the 
judge; and Palmer, who was unstable as water; 

27. Schurz, also, the mighty man of war; and Joseph, of Missouri, 
and William ids partner; 

28. Are they not written in the Book of vhe Chronicles of the Cin- 
cinnati Convention ? 



INDEX. 



PAGE 

A Chapter op Chronicles, - v 

FIRST PART. 
That Convention; or, Five Days a Politician. 

I. "F. G. W." takes his Initial Lesson in Politics - - - - 13 

II. " F. G. W." leaves the Bosom of his Virtuous Family - 17 

III. A "Ten Strike" 28 

IV. "Long John" - - . . . ' . . - 36 
V. " The Man of Destiny "-...... 42 

VI. " Give me a Handkerchief ! " ...... 47 

VII. The First Gun— and the First Campaign Song - - - -54 

VIII. The Real Thing at Last - - - - - - - 60 

IX. The Women in " That Convention " - - - - - 71 

X. " The Plot Thickens "—Our Trio Becomes a Quartette - - 74 

XL Room 237—" 1 Could a Tale Unfold " 80 

XII. "F. G. W." Swears Off ....... 87 

PART SECOND. 
The "Dolly Varden" Convention, and the " Doughnut" Platform. 

I. The Call 95 

II. First Day 97 

III. Second Day - - - - 98 

IV. The Last Day - 103 

V. What " They Say," - - 113 

VI. What H. G. Says » 124 

PART THIRD. 

H. G., (his x mark), which being interpreted means, Horace Greeley. 
I. What I Know about the Later Franklin - - - - - 139 

II. The Champion Chirography of the Modern Cincinnatus - - 147 

III. Rev. Petroleum V. Nasby Converts the "Corners" to the "Cabbage 

Candidate " - - - 159 

IV. The Epicurian Greeley on Doughnuts ..... 166 
V. The First Message of the (Do-any-thing-to-be) next President - - 170 

PART FOURTH. 

" A Horse! A Horse! My Kingdom for a Horse." 

I. A Double-Team Trot 179 



INDEX TO ILLUSTRATIONS. 



FRONTISPIECE. 
The Most Prominent Man in " That Convention." 

FULL PAGE ILLUSTRATIONS : 



The Elastic Goddess - - - - .■■-.'- 

Tlie Snipes that were shot at "That Convention " - 

" Take off your hats, gentlemen, and show your credentials ' 

Reading the Dispatches - - 

"Between two Stools," &c. - - - - . 

Hobson's Choice - • - - 

Politics makes strange bed-fellows - 

"Will you walk into my parlor?" .... 

Their Constituents - - - - - - - 

Greeley's Protection - - - - - 

Innocence Abroad - - - - - - 

Mark Twain (portrait) - 

Subsoiling for a crop of November beats 
Petroleum V. Nasby (portrait) - - - - 

Positively last appearance of the Political Blondin 
Cultivating Greeley Clubs - - - 

A Candidate with "Horse sense," (double page) 

ILLUSTRATIONS IN THE BODY OF THE BOOK : 

"And his smile it was childlike and bland." 

"He whispered tragically," ..... 

" Good-bye, John." " F. G. "W.," going to save his Country - 

Where the Davis Fund went to .... 

"The most useless man in America," - 

"The birds sang sweetly," ..... 

" Good Lord, deliver us ! " .... 

"Rooms were scarce," - - 

Geographical location of Room No. 23T - 

"We were introduced to a number of Honorable gentlemen. 

Preparing for arduous duties - 

" Such a Suicidal Pace," - -- 

"The Wonderful St. Bernard," .... 

" Whose air suggested proprietorship," 

Front side of card - - 

The fair female ..----. 

The Watch 

A foraging expedition ...... 

"They part and meet again like old friends," - 



PAGE 

- 65 
93 

- 99 
109 

- 116 
121 

- 126 
129 

- 133 
138 

- 142 
146 

- 151 
158 

- 162 

in 

- 176 



INDEX TO UlLUSTEATIONS. 

- 

PAGE 

"His forte is asparagus," - ... . . . 38 

"He commenced roaring, and I left," - - - - - - 40 

"George Francis Train, N. P. A." - - - - - - 42 

Tlie man who got a joke on Train - - - - - 46 

" The truant came 'staving' into the room," 48 

"The woman of my dreams," ....... 49 

"Give me a hankerchief," ....... 50 

" An interminable crowd was taking turns," - - - - 52 

"My heart is with you," - - - - - - 56 

" We struck up," -.---..--57 

" Sharp and quick," -------- 58 

An interesting study - - - - - - 62 

The " Liberal " ticket ........ 66 

" How that press ticket of mine did double duty," - - - - 67 

"I'se for de man dat settles de soda-water question," - - - 68 

Col. Susie B. Anthony - - 71 

"F. G. W.'s" Candidate 73 

«« We were glad to see Botch," - - - -' - - 74 

" He followed the simple directions implicitly," ■ .... 77 

" We did what we could to make him tight and comfortable," - - 78 

"F. G. W." saving his country at Cincinnati - - - - 80 

"Line upon line," --------- 84 

"Whereupon occurred a little 'walk-around,'" 85 

Political Life 87 

" On a bounding horse-car," - - - ? - - 89 

Home Life .90 

The Spirit of the Convention ------- 96 

"See the Conquering hero comes," - - - - - 113 

" A Republican on the half-shell," I ----- 119 

"Vote for me," - 124 

The "Cabbage Candidate," - 139 

Erickson unbosoms him self to Mark Twain - - - - 147 

An Autograph letter - - - - - - - - 149 

" I hed a severe time uv it," - - - - - - - 159 

"It wuz a cheerin site," .------ 165 

"Truly delicious," --------- 166 

"The tide was still rising," - - - * - - - - 167 

" We only saved three," - - - - - - .- 168 

The Start - - - - - - - - - 179 

"Life Insured?" - - - - - - - - 182 

"Bearing beautifully ahead," - - - - - - - 183 



THAT CONVENTION; 

OE, 

FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



PART FIRST 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



i. 

F. G. W." takes his Initial Lesson in Politics. 




" And his smile it was childlike and bland." 

The country cannot be saved too often. When I heard 
that " the home of the brave and the land of the free" 
was again to be saved, this time at Cincinnati, I was 



14 



THAT CONVENTION : OB, 



ready to be sacrificed — at the expense of any candidate 
who was up to that sort of thing. 

" That Convention meets next week; are you going?" 
inquired an enthusiastic young political friend as the fate- 
ful time drew nigh. I knew he was on the "inside" — 
wherever that may be — of a "ring," and instinctively felt 
my time had come. Not that I'm given to duplicity, but 
that I know diplomacy to be trumps in politics. I re- 
plied, with an honesty of expression that would have 
done honor to a man older in the business, " No, I had 
not thought of going ; besides, I'm no politician, have 
no time to spare" — 

"Hold on," cried my friend, "let me explain. You 
see," touching a plethoric pocket-book in a tenderly sug- 
gestive manner, " I am authorized by the next best friend 
of Judge Davis to invite you and Stavie, and some other 
good fellows, to go along with us, and" — placing his 
mouth to my ear, he whispered tragically, " What do you 
say now ?" 




"He whispered tragically." 

I allowed, myself to look slightly relentful at him, as I 
replied, "'Only this;' you have often heard me express 



FIVE DATS A POLITICIAN. 15 

excessively good, not to say brilliantly original, ideas, 
upon the great Political Issues of the day, and what few 
principles I have are not for sale ! (Here I looked the 
high-born patriot, every inch of me. ) I want no office, 
wield no political influence, and under this aggregation 
of circumstances, I really cannot consent to burden you 
with my company." 

" O, but you are too sensitively conscientious by half; 
you must go. Really {in the softest and most sarcastically 
insinuating tones), have you exercised the rights of a free 
and enlightened voter, and have yet so deplorably neg- 
lected your education — your golden opportunities, so to 
speak ?" 

"No; to be certainly, yes," I lucidly replied. I was 
preparing to climatically recede from my position, in a 
manner becoming a diplomat of the first water — though 
why that should be better water than any other, unless 
cleaner, is more than I can tell. In fact, I was luring him 
on in his efforts to allure me; when I should be ready 
to accept the offer, I wished my friend to enjoy the satis- 
faction of having won a victory, and I, in turn, more 
selfishly perhaps, wished to be sure of appreciation. 
" But would it not better serve your purpose to take with 
you successful operators in the political arena, sym- 
pathizers in the movement, veterans in the cause ?" 

My fair tempter sadly smiled, as he remarked, with a 
candor as beautiful as it was complimentary to myself, 
" That's where the mischief comes in ; this movement has 
no successful operators, no sympathizers, no old veterans 
— comparatively speaking. "What few there are of these 
we've got a sure thing on, you may stake your bottom 
dollar. That's why we have to pick up such as we can 
get!" 



16 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, 

Which last remark rather punctured my well-pre- 
pared climax. 

I felt reflectively inclined, and indulged in a little 
idiosyncrasy of that sort. 

" We can make a politician out of you fast enough," he 
finally resumed. " And there will be more rejoicing over 
the one convert than over the ninety and nine — or less 
— that didn't require such an operation." 

" You may count me in for a D. H. ticket — if Stavie 
will go." Stavie had already promised, and I was forced 
to accept, minus the dramatic climax — which had been 
" unavoidably withdrawn." 

Were I now an honest man, as I am a politician, I 
would have been spared the pain of transcribing, more 
as a warning than from choice, this history of my fall. 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



17 



II. 

"F. Gr. "W." LEAVES THE BOSOM OF HIS VlRTUOUS FAMILY. 




Good bye, John. " " F. G. W. " going to save his Country. 



We met at the depot of a Sunday night — the Young 
and Innocent Politician — which does not mean me, but 
the man with Davis' money, and Stavie, and "yours 



18 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, 

most respectfully, F. G. W.," the last two being imbued 
with a commendable determination to see Y. I. P. 
through like men : — so long as a red cent of Judge Davis' 
filthy lucre remained in his possession. For conven- 
ience, our seducer will hereafter appear in these pages 
under the patronymic of Steady. The appropriateness 
of Stavie's cognomen is as apparent to every one who 
knows what a "staring good fellow" he is, as is the in- 
congruity of the somewhat antipodal application of the 
word steady to the former facetious and lively individual, 
when connected with the idea of quality implied, as the 
Unabridged expounds it: as for myself, I only wish that 
I, too, had indulged in the luxury of a nom de plume — at 
least while at Cincinnati. 

To resume. The church bells of Chicago tolled a 
requiem as we slowly moved out of town. It was the 
death-knell to the budding hopes of a train-load of " sore- 
heads." I think no one heard it but myself. The others 
were not so religiously inclined, but had already given 
themselves up to the fascination of hearing themselves 
air their own opinions upon the all-engrossing subject j 
before I had well settled down in my seat to study the 
occasion and the passengers. The conductor informed me 
that he had seventy-five Cincinnati passengers. Fifty- 
three presented queer yellow tickets — ■" Good from Chi- 
cago to Cincinnati and return" — while across the face of 
them was inscribed the mystical word, " Special." The 
exact meaning of the strange imprint the conductor could 
not divine. He had never seen any such tickets before, but 
supposed that they were gotten up "for the occasion." 
It was none of his business, he blandly remarked, and 
"he did not trouble himself about the matter." Pre- 
suming that minding my own business was the best 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



19 





PITTSBURG, CINCINNATI & ST. LOUIS 






First Class Excursion Ticket. 






Chicago to Cincinnati. 




3 

>. 


The Coupons are good only when presented in 
connection with this Ticket, and stamped by the 
Ticket Agent. 


> 

r 

4 


m 


General Ticket Agt. 


> 


PITTS., CINCINNATI & ST. LOUIS R. W. 


mm 


First Class Excursion Ticket. 






yo 


. RICHMOND 

.•£•> TO 

.# CHICAGO. 

£f Good until May 6th, 1872. 

After which date it becomes forfeited. 
Not good if detached from the Ticket, nor 
until stamped by the Ticket Agent. 

Ex 1094 Cincinnati to Chicago. 


>0 


w 

Oi 


Issued by PITTS., CIN. & ST. LOUIS R. W. 


( 


J ! 10 ! 2 ! 12 I 6 1 il 1 7 


13 





CIN., HAMILTON & DAYTON R. R. 



First Class Excursion Ticket, 

CINCINNATI 



4 



^ v 



^y 



TO 



RICHMOND. 



Good until May 6th, 1872. 
After which date it becomes forfeited. 
Not good if detached from the Ticket, nor 
until stamped the Ticket Agent. 

Ex 1094 Cincinnati to Chicago. 

Issued by PITTS., CIN. k ST. LOUIS R. W. 



>-0 



Where the Davis Fund went to. 
philosophy for me, I questioned the uncommunicative 
railroad official no further. The " 53" tickets were shown 
by well-known politicians, who gathered in groups and 
discussed the probable and improbable results of the 



20 THAT CONVENTION J OB, 

Convention. It was late in the evening before the berths 
were prepared, or sleep was even thought of; and here, 
at the very outset of this experience of "Five Days a 
Politician," I am constrained to digress in order to re- 
mark a very noticeable incident. As we left the depot 
in Chicago the " white conductor" of the sleeping-car 
collected the tickets without assigning us our different 
berths. The tickets were deposited safely in the side 
pocket of a long pair of trousers, where they remained. 
Finally, the trousers were requested to disgorge, and dis- 
close "which was which," and "what was what," but 
that did not help our case, as we were still ignorant 
which numbers we were entitled to. We had three days 
previous to this secured the tickets, and supposed that 
the "gentlemanly conductor" knew his business, but 
soon realized that he did not. This may not seem per- 
tinent to " that Convention," but it was pre-eminently so 
to Convention-goers, and I am convinced that a large 
majority of the American travelers agree with me in pro- 
nouncing a white man on a sleeping-car more ornamental 
than useful— in fact, much the most useless man in 
America. He does scarcely any work. He is very rarely 
of any great beauty, is scarcely ornamental, and is far 
from being intelligent. It is his object to relieve the 
negro of responsibility, but the space he is compelled to 
occupy for this purpose is much more valuable for other 
uses. He may be, in the opinion of the proprietors, 
essential toward keeping up a certain "swell" style, but 
for all practical purposes perfectly useless. The time 
has come, in my opinion, and in the opinion of a large 
majority of the patrons of the sleeping-car, to popularize 
this eminently American institution by doing away with 
all its superfluous appendages, and reducing the cost of 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



21 




; The most useless man in America.' 



such travel comforts within the means of all. Besides, I 
am firm in the belief that a sufficient number of capable 
negro conductors can be procured to attend to the wants 
of all such travel upon our railroads. These colored men 
are fully as capable as their " white superiors" that are 
at present generally employed. It is hard to believe 
that so large a number of white conductors can be found 
who are willing to sacrifice their manhood and dignity 
by occupying comparatively menial positions, far abler 
filled by the negro. The former certainly do not return 
-''value received" in their labor, and no able-bodied 



22 THAT CONVENTION-; OTl f 

American can retain the dignity of manhood by falling 
short of this. 

To resume. We succeeded, however, on this journey in 
getting to bed long after the balance of a noisy set of 
passengers had retired, and we were "well shaken be- 
fore taken " along at a rattling speed over the roughest 
road that leads out of Chicago. Early next morning we 
were awakened by the ringing of a breakfast bell and the 
cry of " Twenty minutes for breakfast," at Richmond, 
Ind. After breakfast we were switched onto a smooth 
track, and glided comfortably along toward the Queen 
City of the West. The grass on either side of the track 
was green and luxurious; the iruit trees were in full 
bloom; the birds sang sweetly, 



v* 



* 



111. 



" The birds sang sweetly." 
and all nature seemed to us in her happiest, merriest 
garb. At the first stoppage south of Richmond our car 
was re-inforced with the first and only lady passenger 
we had had during our journey. Some one remarked 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



23 



that she was probably a " Lay Delegate." Our fair fel- 
low-traveler was handsome, neatly dressed and apparently 
intelligent. She did "lay on " with her tongue until she 
had completely quieted a number of "honorable gentle- 
men " near her, who at home considered themselves re- 
markably good talkers. She frankly admitted that she 
had just been divorced, that she was on her way to " that 
Convention," and that she was again ready for business 
(matrimonially speaking). My excessive modesty for- 
bade me asking her how often she had visited Indiana; 
but as I heard her tongue run on, while her arms were 
gesticulating wildly, concerning the "great questions" 
of the day, I silently repeated the prayer of our Episcopal 
friends, from all such, " Good Lord deliver us." 




Good Lord, deliver us 



24: THAT CONVENTION J OR, 

Leaving the immediate presence of the strong minded 
lady, I occupied a seat with one of the " Hon." gentlemen 
from Illinois. Said the gentleman to the crowd gathered 
around him, drinking in drops of political wisdom : 

" I suppose you notice that the peach trees all along 
the road are in full bloom?". 

Most of them had already noticed this. 

'Now," said the "Hon." gentleman from Illinois, " I 
will bet a handsome wager that these blossoms will all 
ripen into peaches, and be eaten long before the nominee 
of ' that Convention ' is elected President of the United 
States!" 

He spoke in dead earnest, and there was not a single 
taker, not a single smile, and the subject was soon after- 
ward changed. Politicians are smart fellows, generally. 
Have always on hand that cheap commodity called 
" gas," out "West, but this crowd, evidently, on the morn- 
ing referred to, were a little dull. Among the passengers 
on our car was Hon. Mr. Grinnell, of Iowa, and Hon. J". 
D. Easter, of Illinois. The latter went on business, not 
as a delegate. Hon. Mr. Shannon, also from Illinois, one 
of the Democratic State Central Committee, and one of 
the " hunkerest " of the "hunkers," was of our party. Mr. 
Shannon told me he was going to Cincinnati to look on 
and report, that as the Democracy now had everything 
to make and nothing to lose, they must keep looking 
until they could find a congenial resting place. Mr. S. 
said that they could take Davis and Parker bodily, as 
they had not been politicians and were honest men. I 
thought this was sensible for him to say, and was con- 
vinced at the time that he was honest as he did not have 
a yellow ticket, nor was his piece of paste-board marked 
with the mystic letters — " S-p-e-c-i-a-1." 



FIVE DATS A POLITICIAN. 25 

There was also in our car another " Hon." gent, worthy 
of note here. It was Mr. Abner Taylor, the great rail- 
road contractor, of Chicago. "That man goes to Cin- 
cinnati," said a friend of mine, "with his hands on the 
purse-strings of the Pennsylvania Central Railroad. 
Taylor wanted Davis to take the Western vote, and 
Curtin as second best man for protective Pennsylvania. 
The great contractor made a handsome fortune on the 
last Presidential election, and has a larger fortune to in- 
vest in the one approaching. He has much of the " Grant 
manner " about him. He says but little in a crowd, but 
keeps up a terrible amount of thinking, which led me to 
believe that he was making great preparations for the 
committee room. 

The mysterious " 53 " who held the " yellow tickets " 
marked " Special " were also busy. Oh ! how they did 
talk Davis. "Honest man, Sir!" "Good record!" 
" Incapable of doing a mean or dishonest trick !" 
" Wealthy — no occasion to steal !" " Just the man for 
the times, Sir !" A good deal of this was doubtless true 
and I believe I had heard it before, but would not have 
expected to have heard it from so many in one car, 
gathered together from all parts of the West. There is 
generally a wide difference of opinion on political matters 
in any crowd one may chance to be thrown in, but here 
the sentiments above expressed were unanimously ap- 
proved. 

At 9 :10 we arrived in the Queen City and landed from 
the 'bus at that solid and substantial, but lugubrious look- 
ing hotel, the Burnet House. Booms, of course, were 
scarce, but by making a party of four, we were able to 
secure Eoom 237. We then started on an exploring tour 
in search of our rooms, led by a waiter boy who was "jest 



26 



THAT CONVENTION ; OB, 




Rooms were scarce. 



hired for the Convention, Sah." We followed — well, up 
some four or five flights of stairs — and were engaged in 
" boxing the compass," until Stavie exclaimed, in the lan- 
guage of Hamlet, " I'll follow thee (black man) no fur- 
ther," and so said we all of us. We could find no speaking- 
tube with which to communicate with the lower regions, 
and our boy had disappeared. There was no passenger- 
elevator, hence we all concluded to halt and allow the boy 
to find the room and report its latitude and longitude. 
Halting near the stairway we looked down on the heads 
of the " Hon." crowd, until the boy shouted out from 
afar off, " Come disway, gemmen delegates !" But Stavie 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



27 



was suspicious and refused to go until the " Hon. Gent " 
from Illinois returned from the place from whence the 
sound proceeded and assured us that the black imp really 
had stumbled upon Room 237. Now there is nothing 
about the number 237 taken collectively, or the numbers 
2-3-7 as integers, but before " that Convention " closed 
its business, Room 237 became somewhat famous, and is, 
therefore, entitled to a more definite location. To reach it, 
you proceed from the street upward, say, sixty or seventy 
feet, via a stairway " rough and rugged," to a landing, 
thence north, thence east, thence north again, thence to 
the right, (can't give the points of the compass,) to the 
entrance door. Or, in other words, Room 237 was in the 
north-east quarter of the west quarter of the south half 
of the east half of the south section of the topmost floor 
of the Burnet House, with no passenger elevator and no 
bell that was safe to bet on. 




sifvibo 



Geographical location of Room No. 237. 



THAT CONVENTION ', OR, 



III. 

A "Ten Strike." 
When we arrived at the Burnet House, we deposited 
our autographs in a book kept for the purpose, but one 
of the " Honorable " gentlemen did not put in his ap- 
pearance, so there was but three of us there " in the 
flesh " — Steady, Stavie and I. We were all quite fatigued 
from our extensive journey, and travel-worn, and there- 
fore concluded to rest a " spell " before commencing the 
difficult task of the week. After dinner we were intro- 
duced to a number of "Honorable" gentlemen from all 
parts of the land. 




"We were introduced to a number of Honorable gentlemen." 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



29 



Each one appeared to have his own idea of who the 
" lucky (?) man " would be ; what the platform should 
be ; and how the campaign should be conducted. The 
business was new to Stavie and myself, and we said but 
little the first day. We were apt enough, however, and 
learned quite rapidly, and all too soon got " the hang " 
of "talking politics." At intervals we occupied our 
time in preparing ourselves for the opening day, which 
was Wednesday. 




/a9e**eE=^-^ 



Preparing for arduous duties. 
There was not much of a crowd, even at the Burnet, 
on Monday, and the city did not present a very busy ap- 
pearance. To kill time during the afternoon we hired 
a carriage for a ride about the city. I suppose, it would 
have been called a ride in Cincinnati, but we in Chicago 
would discharge any driver who would permit his team 
to travel at such a suicidal pace, for he could kill more 



30 



THAT CONVENTION ; OR, 



time and get over less ground than any driver I was 
ever fated to fall in — or fall out — with. 




"Such a Suicidal Pace." 

Then, the hills ! They are everywhere about Cincin- 
nati. In fact it forcibly reminded me of my journey 
over the Rocky Mountains in '59, when we "doubled 
teams " to get up hill and " doubled" at the back of the 
wagon to get down again. Our ride was concluded at 
somewhere in the neighborhood of the fifth hour of the 
afternoon; but what we saw is hardly worth mentioning 
as we went so wretchedly slow, and our time was so much 
occupied in showering blessings upon the devoted head 
of the driver, that I will omit any further account of 
that little episode as not pertinent to the subject. 

The shining hours of evening were principally em- 
ployed in meanderings, which finally brought us to 
Third street, where, over a store blazing with light and 
beauty, we read : " The Wonderful St. Bernard." 

All of which fascinated us — the ambiguity, and glare 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 31 

of light, and all that, — but especially the fair females, 
and we ventured in. Besides two fair females, who were 




"The wonderful St. Bernard." 
the centre of attraction, was a Watchful Eye in the shape 
of a good looking young man whose air suggested pro- 
prietorship. Peacefully reposing upon the show- 
case near him was a box of envelopes. One 
of the young ladies took pity upon our ignor- 
ance, and in a sisterly manner that went to my 
susceptible heart — and afterwards to the bottom 
of my j)ocket — elucidated their method of transacting 
business. 



32 



THAT CONVENTION ; OR, 




"Whose air suggested proprietorship." 
"You pay twenty-five cents," she said, — and to make 
the explanation more satisfactory I did so — " for a chance 
to draw an envelope " — which I proceeded to draw. Each 
envelope contains a card. 



THE WONDERFUL 



% 



DE IP 



Please Examine the Goods which we 

sell for <§a® BftllftS 

IN DEPARTMENT 2. 



Front side of card. 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



33 



"The photograph on the other side is worth all the 
card costs, and the card entitles the holder to purchase 
any article in the department specified, upon payment of 
the small sum of one dollar. The higher the number, 
the more valuable the opportunities for selection — these 
are not prizes, you understand, but legitimate sales — we 
do a strictly legitimate business, strictly legitimate, you 
understand." 

"We understood. 

" Thus, for instance ; in Departments 12, 13, or 14, 
you can buy a gold watch worth $40 or $50, for one dol- 
lar." It was tempting, to be sure; so we invested one 
dollar in envelopes, but to our surprise, all the cards 
had low numbers. 







The Fair Female. 



I scratched my head, and addressed the smiling young 
lady thus: ""We are 'delegates,' Miss Cincinnati — we 



34 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, 

are. We came a long way from home to visit your beau- 
tiful city. We like your style of doing business here. 
In fact, if we were not nearly all married men, I might 
say, we like you; but that would hardly be proper on so 
short an acquaintance. Now we are ' in shape' to be 
of service to your business here, and if you will let us into 
the secret of drawing high numbers, you shall be re- 
membered by us when we get fully installed in the ' Pol- 
itics business.' In short — sell us a prize." 

She evidently felt the weight of my remarks, for she 
whispered in accents low and confiding, "As soon as the 
old man gets out of the way I will" — meaning, doubtless, 
the Watchful Eye that was constantly upon us. 

Soon a gentleman dropped into the front part of the 
store, and the " old man" left her side to wait upon him. 

" Now," said she, " buy a dollar's worth. You will 
get a prize." We made up a purse of one dollar between 
us, and were to draw lots who should take the prize. 

"I will draw all the envelopes from one place," said 
she, " and see what we will get." So from one corner of 
the box she drew five envelopes, and handed them to 
Steady for his inspection: 

No. 1, Department 3 — No good. 

No. 2, Department 4 — Ditto. 

No. 3, Department 4 — Ditto. 

No. 4, Department 9 — Fair to middling, 

No. 5, Department 10 — A Gold Watch. 

We were burning with anxiety to know which of us 
should become sole proprietor of the "gold" watch, and 
at once drew lots. Stavie and I lost, and Steady bore 
his blushing honors with becoming meekness — in fact, 
he rapidly bore them out of the store, as he noticed the 
now disengaged Watchful Eye edging over our way— and 
we all followed, after making hasty adieux. 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. u5 

We sent crowds of patrons to the St. Bernard on the 
strength of our good luck, but heard of no more " ten 
strikes." 

That night, upon returning to the hotel, Steady took 
pity upon the Davis Fund, and deposited a valuable col- 
lateral in the shape of an elegant fire-gilt gold watch. 



The Watch. 



THAT CONVENLION ; OR, 



IV. 

" Long John." 

On Tuesday Fahrenheit let himself out in a manner 
more "liberal" than comfortable— in fact, it was hot. 
For further particulars, inquire of any one who was pre- 
sent. 

I don't know whether Johannus Longinus, vulgarly 
called "Long John" Wentworth, was roasted out, or 
not, but this morning was the first time I had seen him 
during the Convention. 

If ever the baptismal patronymic of a man was adorned 
with an appropriate prefixatory sobriquet, it is that of 
"Long John." He certainly is the longest man I ever 
saw. The fortune of that man would be assured who 
could effect an arrangement with him to travel and 
exhibit. He is so interminably, so everlastingly long, 
from his chin down to where his legs leave his body. 
Then his arms and legs — shades of departed giants ! — 
windmills and circus poles — with ample room under his 
expansive coat-tails for amphitheatre, menagerie, side 
shows, and all ! 

And that smile! Talk not to me of the Heathen 
Chinee. Imagine an earthquake upon the "face of 
nature," with a yawning gulf splitting it longitudinally 
near the centre, touching his Oriental ear on the one 
side, and his Occidental ear upon the other — then stretch 
your imagination to its utmost, and you still grope in 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



37 



the dark. It must be seen to be appreciated. I saw it. 
I still live. Many who have seen it are dead. 

As to the matter of age — who can fathom hidden mys- 
teries ? Who knows the exact longevity of the Sphynx ? 
Suffice it to say, that he has lived ten years longer than he 
looks, and you may grasp the infinitude of his mammoth 
existence. 




' A foraging expedition. 

But the crowning wonder concerning this man is his 
gastronomical achievements. I do not exaggerate when 
I say, that to see him eat — if one has already eaten, and 
suffers no danger from loss of appetite — is " better than 
a circus/' or any other harmless but ennobling amuse- 
ment, for which one may have a weakness. He treats 
his food as he does a nomination he doesn't like — he 
"bolts" it. "When he lunches the waiters become de- 
mented ; when he takes a full meal he throws the 
Slaughter of the Innocents completely in the shade. 
His upper and nether jaws constitute a huge crushing 



38 



THAT CONVENTION I OK, 



machine, the capacity of which is only limited by the 
extremest culinary possibilities of the most extensive 
hotel — they part and meet again like old friends from a 




"They part and meet again like old friends." 
long journey. While the aforesaid jaws are acting well 
their part, those long arms go out upon foraging expedi- 
tions, gathering in everything within reach. At this season 
of the year, his forte is asparagus, and his method of 
putting the succulent vegetable out of the way is pecu- 
liarly his own. Reaching after it the moment it touches 
the table, with his little and third fingers, he forms a slip 




* His forte is asparagus.' 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. B9 

noose, so to speak, and skilfully gathering the entire con- 
tents of the dish, he draws this once through his mouth 
from left to right, and there is nought left visible to the 
naked eye but a bundle of big ends which are cast aside. 
He doesn't talk while he eats — time is' too valuable, and 
the bill of fare too small. He never sits at the same 
table but once. At the Burnet House he generally had 
a table to himself. This, the proprietors informed me, 
was the most successful plan of supplying him ; besides, 
I never saw ony one who would eat with him a second 
time. 

I had the audacity to approach him when at dinner 

one day — " My name is , Mr. Wentworth ; you 

introduced yourself to me one night at Metropolitan 
Hall, Chicago, during your last run for Congress, against 
Farwell. You seemed glad to see me then, and I 
recollect to this day the grip you gave me." 

" Yes, yes, I made a good many acquaintances among 
the ' Boys ' that campaign, but somehow they forgot me 
on election day ; I expect you are one of 'em — eh ?" 

He commenced roaring, and I left. The introduction 
mentioned is worthy of note. " Long John" has a way of 
his own at electioneering. The night he is advertised to 
speak he stations himself at the entrance door of the 
hall, and grasps by the hand every one who enters. He 
has a hand that is a hand, and when the crowd is not 
too great he has a long grip not unlike that of a grizzly 
in its most affectionate mood. He shows great love for 
the " Boys " on all such occasions, and you would think 
from his manner that the people were all his near and 
dear relations. It is really very touching! The first 
time I attended a Wentworth meeting I submitted to 
one of his shakes. The second time I entered the hall 



40 



THAT CONVENTION ; OE, 



through the stage door. A little of that style of intro- 
ducing oneself goes a great way with me. 




"He commenced roaring, and I left." 

One man in Chicago says that " Long John " has in- 
troduced himself to him some twenty- three times during 
the past ten years and yet, strange as it may appear, 
fails to recognize him on the streets. 

He generally spends about four hours at dinner, sitting 
down at two and finishing at six. As he came out of the 
dining room Monday evening he was accosted by Colonel 
Campbell, of Kane County, thus : 

" Mr. Went worth, the delegation from Louisiana has 
just arrived. "Would it not be well for us to go down 
and welcome them ?" 

"Welcome h 1 !" roared the amiable gentleman 

from Illinois, " they are all a set of d n thieves and 

I suppose you are one of them — eh ?" 

Colonel Campbell was dumfounded and he immediately 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 41 

commenced bristling up for a fight ; but some of the 
friends of both parties rushed in and parted them. Now 
"Long John's" body — head, legs, arms, fingers, — in 
fact, each longitudinal section of his corporositj, is 
extremely lengthy, but on this occasion his memory, 
eyesight and manner, were sufficiently short, for he has 
known Col. Campbell perfectly well for years. 



42 



THAT CONVENTION ; OR, 



The Man of Destiny.' 




" George Francis Train, N. P. A." 
From the sublimity of physical proportions to the pro- 
fessionally ridiculous is but a step — which brings me to 
N. P. A., which really means, " Never to be President of 
America," but is interpreted by the champion joker of 
the United States to mean, " Next President of America." 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 43 

Prominent among the crowd at the Burnet House, as 
he is conspicuous in every gathering of men, George 
Francis Train, with his defiant, aggressive manner, that 
always reminds me of 

" The boy stood on the burning deck," 
was the observed of all observers. Say or think what 
you please of Train's speeches, or course in life, socially 
he is one of the most genial and pleasant companions in 
the world. Quick to catch a joke, brilliant at repartee, 
always the same, he leaves nothing but pleasant memo- 
ries wherever he goes. To all those who vote him crazy, 
or a fool, I would advise that they do not tackle him in 
one of his " Presidential Mass Meetings," or on the cars 
— or anywhere else in public. There is such "method in 
his madness," that his answers to all such cut like a 
knife. 

" This Convention is your hope, is it not ?" I inquired 
of him, early in the week. 

"Oh, no;" said he, "how could you expect such a 
crowd as this to nominate a decent man for President ?" 

" Does George Francis Train ever really expect to be 
President of the United States ?" some one inquires. 

Two years ago I had the pleasure of meeting him at 
that hotel in Omaha which he built in sixty days. I 
ventured to inquire of him his object in nominating him- 
self for the N. P. A., and he frankly answered that it 
was "simply an advertising dodge." Said he, "When I 
lecture upon a scientific subject, no matter how learned 
or instructive, I am voted a bore by three-fourths of my 
audience, and they go away dissatisfied. But just as 
soon as I begin to talk about ' Train/ they all laugh, 
are happy, and pronounce me a success. Now, you 
know, it makes no difference to me what I talk about. 



44 THAT CONVENTION J OK, 

The crowd is what I want, and I give them just what 
suits them best." 

As a per contra to this, several other gentlemen being 
present, and at the interview mentioned, he said, " I am 
just as sure to be next President as the sun is to rise 
to-morrow !" I have an indistinct recollection of a 
man who told a lie, and knew it was a monstrous 
He when he told it. But he told it so often and 
so long, that at last persistency conquered, and he 
entertained no doubt as to the entire veracity of his 
story. " You pays your money and takes your 
choice;" but rest assured that if you, or any other man, 
should innocently vote for the redoubtable individual, he, 
more than any one else, will laugh at the credulity of his 
victims; as did a certain Sol. Smith, whom I once knew 
in Ohio. Sol. had what he contended was a recipe for 
making "cold solder." For years he preached up the 
virtues of his solder to the good people of my native 
town. But, as he was addicted to the cups, and habitu- 
ally intoxicated, no one seemed disposed to purchase. 
Finally, after long persuading, he succeeded in selling 
his recipe to an honest old merchant of the town for a 
jug of "groceries," and went home happy. A few days 
after this the purchaser called Sol. into his store and 
upbraided him in the most unequivocal terms for cheat- 
ing him so badly with his cold solder recipe. "It is ab- 
solutely worthless," said he — " perfectly useless, sir! and 
I demand a return of my 'groceries/ sir, or I will have 
you arrested at once for swindling !" 

Sol. kindly allowed him to finish his tirade, and then 
coolly asked, "How do you know the recipe is worth- 
less r 

" How do I know it, sir ? Why, I have tried it ?" 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 45 

" How often ?" continued Sol. 

" Why, a dozen times, and I know that it is a cheat 
and a fraud!" 

"Well," said Sol., you are a d -n sight bigger fool 

than I supposed you were, for I never did !" 

Train frequently showed himself among the throngs 
that congregated in the corridors of the Burnet House. 
His appearance was always the signal for the gathering 
of a tumultuous crowd, anxious to hear his satirical 
comments on the Convention, which were taken good 
humoredly by all parties. Train is always the gentleman 
and in return is usually treated as such. One exception, 
however, is worthy of mention from the overwhelming 
rebuke it received. A swelling, blustering fellow, push- 
ing his way into the centre of a circle listening to the 
great Irish champion, rudely and abruptly accosted him. 

" Train ! you are a G — d d — n fool, that's what I think 
of you. No one but a perfect ass would go around ex- 
hibiting himself like a monkey, for pay, as you do"— and 
more to the same effect. 

Train listened quietly until the fellow had exhausted 
his Billingsgate. "If you are through," said he, " please 
tell me where you are from ?" 

" I live, sir, at No. 26, street, London, England." 

"I thought so," said Train. "Gentlemen," — turning 

to the crowd — " street, London, is notorious, over 

all Europe as the home of all the worst thieves, pick- 
pockets, pimps and jail birds in the world." 

The roar of the crowd drowned his words for a few 
minutes, but Train went on, mercilessly flaying the poor 
cockney, till cockney could stand it no longer, but cried 
out, " I was only fooling ; I was born and brought up 
here in Cincinnati. " 



46 



THAT CONVENTION : OB, 



He gave the last word a peculiar foreign pronunciation 
and Train, repeating it in imitation, exclaimed " ' Seense- 
nattee!' that word proves you a liar. No man brought 
up in Cincinnatti ever pronounced his home " Seensenat- 
tee.' " 

Under cover of the uproar, caused by this hit, our 
cockney disappeared. 




The man who got a joke on Train. 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 47 



VI. 

"Give Me a Handkerchief!" 
I think I previously remarked that the weather on 
Tuesday was hot. If I am mistaken, I wish now to make 
a metereological memorandum to that effect. After 
breakfast we felt limp, and by noon we wilted, and were 
soon glad to indulge in the somewhat doubtful luxury 
of a climb to No. 237, for the sake of obtaining* a small 
dose of " tired nature's sweet restorer.'* When I say 
' ' we," in this instance, count Stavie out, for he had been 
missing since shortly after breakfast. Steady and 
myself had hardly composed our weary limbs and per- 
turbed spirits for the coveted nap, ere the truant came 
''staving" into the room, breathless, hatless, reeking* 
with perspiration, through which an expression of 
countenance was visible that brought us at once to a 
sitting posture. 

'•' "What, in Heaven's name, can be the matter?" Steady 
and I ejaculated in chorus. "You look as though you 
had been visited by all the candidates in the list, from 
Train to Anthony, or interviewed by the hotel proprie- 
tors concerning that watch," I added. 

Without heeding the irrevelence of my remark, Stavie 
dropped into a chair. "Matter !" cried he, catching his 
breath ; " Matter ! — matter enough ! I was placidly -our- 



48 



THAT CONVENTION : OR, 



suing my way along the north side of the square 
skirting the Davison fountain, utterly oblivious of the 
thronging multitude, when I discovered — " 

" That you had lost something ?" interrupted Steady. 




" The truant came 'staving' into the room." 

— " In a low, unpretending fancy store — ' my beating 
heart lie still!' — the woman of my dreams. I have 
traveled this wide world all over — I've seen the fairest 
of the fair, the pearl of the harem, the lustrous-eyed 
Spanish, the beauty of all nations— but, hang it all — she 
knocks the spots out of anything I ever tumbled on to !" 

" Did you follow her — did you lose sight of her ?" we 
eagerly asked. 

" No ; she was behind the counter." 

"A shop girl!" I scornfully exclaimed. 



3TVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 

/ 



49 




' ' The woman of my dreams. " 

" St. Bernard," slyly suggested Steady. 

I was done. 

" Stavie," said Steady, " I am astonished at you. You 
must be ' a little out.' " 

" I am," said Stayie, wofully ; " three dollars and 
forty-five cents." 

" This is too serious a subject to joke about," con- 
tinued Steady. " I thought you came here to work for 
Davis. How are you fulfilling your great mission ?" 

" I know I did, but I came — I saw that face — I was 
conquered. I was doing what I could, but that is all 
over. I am sorry I ever went into the politics business, 
and unless you immediately accept my resignation I 
shall drown myself in the turbid Ohio." 

After a pause he continued, " Come with me — ' come 
where my love lies dreaming,' and then you can under- 
stand what you now consider my senseless infatuation." 



50 



THAT CONVENTION ; OR, 



To this we finally consented, and* with a sigh relin- 
quishing all prospects of the coveted siesta, we meekly 
followed in the wake of Stavie who sped impetuously 
down the stairs, and like a honey bee bound for its 
storehouse of sweets, took as straightforward a line for 
his objective point as the streets of the city would 
allow. 

" I'll tell you boys," said he, as he walked along, some- 
thing of his wonted jocularity having returned, " When 
I finally entered the portal that leads to the princess, 
I was dazzled by the efulgence of her ineffable beauty. 
I paid mute homage at the shrine before me. In fact, 
I stood there like a 'dumb fool' so long, that in the 
most dulcet tones she inquired, while every fibre of my 
being thrilled as she addressed me — ' How can I have 
the pleasure of serving you, sir ?' 




G-ive me a handkerchief !" 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 51 

Ui Give me a handkerchief!' I managed to say, and 
immediately felicitated myself on the lucky accident 
of speech upon which I had stumbled. It "was a 
merciful Providence that kept me from calling for a 
jack-knife, a keg of nails, a glass of beer, or a 
skeleton skirt. But I had made a hit. I knew her lily 
hands would impart a perfume above all price, and that 
it would reach my lips — and my dripping brow — before 
the odor should have fled. ' What price would you like, 
sir ?' ' Price V I exclaimed. Then, in a tone that I have 
learned to draw from my very sole," so deep and pas- 
sionate, is it, bending my head till it almost touched her 
wealth of curls, I added, ' I have not the heart to name 
the price. Will you oblige me by making the selection V 
She did so. I handed her a bill. I think I forgot the 
change. I don't know as there was any. I only know 
I rushed off madly mopping my face — so far as anyone 
could see ; in reality, I was wildly kissing the treasure 
those dear hands had given me — for $5. Hold V 

We were now in front of the little fancy store, and 
while Steady and I were prospecting, we noticed Stavie 
pretendedly engaged in mopping his face ; we knew that 
he was assiduously engaged in kissing the costly rag. 

By a strategic movement, on the part of myself, the 
over-curious Steady suddenly found himself vis-a-vis 
with the fair charmer inside, while Stavie continued his 
little joke with the handkerchief, and I held myself in 
reserve. 

Directly Steady came out. .'•' Isn't she splendid, boys !" 
exclaimed this amorous politician, entirely forgetting the 
woman who bears his name, and the heart that beats 
alone for him. 

" What did you buy?" I asked. 



52 



THAT CONVENTION I OR, 



" A handkerchief." 

' ' Did you get your change ?" 

"Change? No. I never thought of it. How could 
I take change from her t" 

I didn't know. But I thought I needed a handker- 
chief. Besides, it was my turn, and candor compels me 
to record, that, spite of a loving wife and a trio of 

cherubs at home — I bought a handkerchief and 

I forgot my change. I knew how it was myself. 

We thoughtfully wended our way to the Burnet, but 
from that hour Stavie was lost to the Davis' interest, 
and in Steady a changed manner, a melancholy as 
pensive as it was becoming, might have been marked. 

I was pained at their infatuation. I had reason to be, 
for it was contagious. 

But Stavie was not a whit selfish. He generously in- 
formed everyone where to go for handkerchiefs. It got 




An interminable crowd was taking turns." 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN.. 53 

out among the delegates — and to some of them the in- 
formation was invaluable ! He told them that a much 
greater than either a National Convention or a Presi- 
dential Candidate was at No. 10, Fifth street, and by- 
nigh tf all as we passed that way, an interminable crowd 
was taking turns at buying handkerchiefs of our fair 
charmer. Neighboring shop-keepers thought "that 
Convention" had adjourned to the fancy store. 

As I saw the throng of men, all eager for an audience, 
men with wives and small children, my heart ached. I 
thought of an immortal tragedy in Algiers, in which a 
handkerchief played so important a part. (My attention 
was again somewhat unexpectly called to the same sub- 
ject, when, upon returning home, my wife found un- 
counted dozens of the tell-tale rags in my baggage, 
which I had forgotten to leave at Cincinnati.) 



54 THAT CONVENTION ; OK, 



VII. 

The First Gun — And The First Campaign Song. 

Tuesday night the "Illinois Boys" (some 500), met 
at Mozart Hall to arrange for the morrow, when the 
nominating Convention was to open. The Davis crowd 
largely outnumbered all the balance. In fact, in point 
of numbers they were as a mountain to a mole hill, in 
comparison with the Adams, Trumbull and Palmer 
interest ; but as they could afford to be magnanimous 
they decided to divide the 42 Illinois votes in Conven- 
tion, giving 21 to Davis, 10^ to Trumbull, and 10^ to 
Palmer, supposing that after the first ballot the weaker 
candidates would vote for Davis. This meeting was 
decidedly amusing. Mr. Fell, from McLean county, was 
elected Chairman, and on taking his seat he politely 
invited all the Democrats present to retire, and " wished 
it distinctly understood that this is a Republican meet- 
ing ;" and if it became necessary to take a full vote he 
did not want the fact to go abroad that there were any 
Democratic votes cast. I noticed my friend, the mem- 
ber of the State Democratic Central Committee, prompt- 
ly retire, followed by other prominent Democratic gentle- 
men. Then came up the question of representation. 

Whereupon Colonel Hough, a well-known politician 
and wealthy Chicago gentleman, arose to address the 
meeting. To use a phrase more expressive than elegant, 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 55 

the Colonel is "a brick." Physically, he is possessed of 
great strength, which is fitly complemented by more than 
ordinary mental calibre. But he was not the kind of a 
man the wire-pullers wanted to hear from, for he abused 
several of them who stood on the platform most unmer- 
cifully—Dexter, Fairbanks, and others. Then the "Boys" 
hissed; then they groaned and stamped their feet to 
drown him out. Then one after another of the leaders 
came to him, and begged the old gentleman to desist, 
but all to no effect. He was bound to speak his piece. 
When the noise drowned his voice entirely he would 
quietly fold his arms and wait until the " Boys" were tired 
out. Then he would fire his oratorical grape and shell 
into them again. Then the "Boys," would resume. But 
the Colonel could not be cried down. The Chair decided 
once or twice that he would uphold the right of free 
speech. So the leaders and " Boys" were at last obliged 
to listen to his homely truths, no matter how near they 
struck home. After the storm had raged for nearly an 
hour, the Chair very politely requested the Colonel to 
allow the meeting to vote on the delegation question; 
after which, if he so desired, they would listen to him 
further. Whereupon he subsided, after offering to bet 
then and there, $10,000 in good and lawful money that, 
no matter who was nominated at " that Convention," he 
would never be elected. There were no takers. 

Then " Long John" arose, towering far above the 
heads of the balance of the " Boys," and wished before 
the meeting adjourned to say a few words: 

"I come before you, my boys," said he, "all scarred 
with political wounds. I am not afraid of defeat. For 
the future I am with you. My heart is with you. (Here 
his long right arm wandered from its resting-place, 



THAT CONVENTION ', OE. 



adown his side, smiting what I thought was not the 
quarter-section of his anatomy overlying the heart — but 
perhaps it was.) "Now, my Democratic boys, don't go. 
"We want you here. "We want your votes, too. (Of 




" My heart is with you." 
course they did.) We will treat you magnanimously. 
Boys, don't do as the Chairman advised, but stay, boys, 
stay." 

By this time I suppose the Democratic " Boys" who had 
remained were in a quandary as to what course to pur- 
sue, and soon after the meeting adjourned. This meet- 
ing fully showed the immense strength of the Chicago 
Tribune's influence — 10| votes out of 42 was all it could 
muster for its pet candidate Trumbull, and this too after 
it had been trying for months to educate the public 
mind. Horace the Little looked unwell. The Davis 
mountain was too much for him: he felt it then, and it 
crushed him completely when Horace the Greater was 
nominated. 

After adjournment the "Boys" went their ways. 
The beer gardens came in for their share of the Davis 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



57 



Fund. Our party retired to a quiet garden to discuss 
the evening's fun over a glass of lager. 

We could hear the Davis Boys in an adjoining garden 




" We struck up." 
chuckling over their prospective success, and in order to 
ascertain how they felt we struck up, to the good old 
tune of " Saw mv leg off :" 







— = 4- 



"How'reyou Horace, how'reyou Horace, how 're you Horace, Horace White?" 






Catching the inspiring strain, they sang back : 

' ' We have cut him, 
We have cut him, 
We have cut him — 
Cut htm shoet! 

" Al-so Ad-ams ! 
Dit-to Trum-bull ! 
Bit-to Palm-er ! — 
Also all ! 



58 



THAT CONVENTION ; OR, 



" 'Cause why ?" we shouted. 

Then, in a stronger and fuller chorus, they sang out 

" Da- vis lag-er, 
Da- vis lag-er, 
Lag-er costs iis- 
Costs us nix! " 

and more to the same effect. 




' ' Sharp and quick. " 

The style of the song struck me as especially appro- 
priate for campaign purposes, and I hope our good 
Methodist friends will not consider its adaptation for 
political purposes more sacreligious than is their own 
appropriation for prayer-meeting use of " John Brown's 
Body," " Lily Dale," and other recent and popular 
airs. 

To produce an effect in the artistic rendition of the 
difficult classical music which is given, the action should 
be sharp and quick, the singer biting off the last word 
with a snap — or speaking somewhat as though some one 
had suddenly intruded upon the sacred privacy of your 
pet corn, for instance, 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 59 

But for the Divine Inflatus which inspired the poetic 
words of the song, one must patronize Gambrinus, as we 
did. Otherwise, imitators can hardly hope to gain the 
Promethean heights attained by our happy crowd upon 
that eventful Tuesday night. 



60 THAT CONVENTION ; OK, 



VIII. 

The Beal Thing at Lass. 

Aeter " whipping the devil around the stump " for 
two days, I finally was forced to succumb to the logic of 
events. I had sounded the heights and depths of 
Young Sin-so-natty and Old Sin-so-naughty. I had 
ridden around ; I had " done " the St. Bernard, while, 
in turn, the handkerchief girl had un-done Hie ; I had 
interviewed the notables from near and far, and found 
the latter method the most desirable to me, as it doubt- 
less was to them. In fact, I had been fighting fate, I 
might ease my conscience as regards complicity in spend- 
ing the Davis Fund, upon the ground that I was not a 
sinner above hundreds of others ; but how could I go 
home from Cincinnati and say, " I hadn't been in that 
Convention ?" 

I surrendered to a force of circumstances over which 
I had no adequate control, and trusted to luck for the 
result. 

And now that I have got fairly pinned down — as a bug 
collector would say, or " committed," as the politicians 
would have it — I am forcibly reminded that one queer 
feature of " that Convention" was the comparative size 
of the drinks taken by delegates from different parts of 
the country. I had been told before that the politicians 
of Louisiana and Texas took about one-tenth the quan- 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN, 61 

tity that the politicians of Illinois or Wisconsin did. So 
here was my opportunity. The Burnet House bar is a 
capacious room, located in the basement, and was liber- 
ally patronized by delegates after adjournment. 

And there I stationed myself, not for the purpose of 
being asked up to drink, for I had a bed-fellow 
who shall be nameless in this connection —no matter 
how frequently mentioned elsewhere — who was one of 
the cashiers of the Davis Fund, and he was the most 
liberal fellow — -with other people's money — that you ever 
saw. But drinking is not & forte of mine, however. 

Well, I did not have to wait long, for if there is any 
one place at a Convention more noisy than another it is 
the bar-room. I noticed a number o£ Louisiana dele- 
gates approach and drink. They certainly did not take 
more than a good-sized tumbler full. Then each set 
down his glass and departed. Tliey were natives, and 
"to the manner born" — not "Carpet-Baggers." Then 
came up Mississippi ; she took a little more. Soon I 
noticed Tennessee, she saw Louisiana, and went her 
" one better." Kentucky took a little more. Ohio and 
Indiana were soon represented ; and at this point I saw 
what, in my innocence, I supposed to be a "square 
drink." Then "the most prominent man in 'that Con- 
vention ' " walked up and ordered his poison like a little 
man. But I noticed a commotion behind the bar when 
this individual appeared. " Long John " was " one too 
many" for them. 

Upon subsequent inquiry, I learned that only the day 
before one of the bar-tenders was discharged for allowing 
him to empty the bottle at one drink. This time the 
proprietor waited upon him. He did not wish to appear 
frightened, I suppose, but he kept up a reluctant fum- 



62 



THAT CONVENTION ; OR, 



bling about the bottles before making the right selec- 
tion. The " Hon." gentleman from Illinois emptied its 
entire coutents (it was not quite full), laid down the 
change for one drink, and departed. The bar-keeper 
dolefully remarked, as the last rod of " Long John " dis- 
appeared from the room : " Well, if all my customers 
drank like that man, I'd be a bankrupt in a fortnight. 
One of his drinks would supply the whole of the Mis- 
sissippi delegation for a week." 




An interesting study. 

Another feature of "that Convention," to which, I 
believe, I have previously alluded, which was as remark- 
able as it was popular, was the seemingly inexhaustible 
Davis Fund. 

As to the truth of the assertion that Judge Davis 
gave his check for $75,000, I am unable to vouch, but of 
one thing I am certain, there was no limit to the ex- 
penditure of his money while the Convention lasted. 

Gen. Harlan, — Gov. Palmer's private secretary— told 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 63 

me that his crowd was completely demoralized by the 
Davis "Boys," and the appropriation at his command 
was as the widows' mite in comparison to the Davis 
Fund. During Tuesday and Wednesday whole train- 
loads arrived from Illinois, travelling upon passes ; and 
out of some three hundred and fifty from Bloomington 
alone, there were two score, or more, of men, who, a 
prominent railroad contractor informed me, had driven 
spikes for him a short time before. In short, the Davis 
Fund was a most benificent arrangement, affording a 
pleasant excursion for the laboring poor, clothes for 
those who needed them, payed hotel bills, bought 
presents for the loved ones at home, and was " shelled 
out" without stint to any one who would work for 
Davis. The sequel showed that if money is a power, it 
isn't always supreme, and cannot be counted on to 
insure a nomination. 

On Wednesday the ball was fairly opened, and " that 
Convention " of self-selected, self-asserting, and self- 
sufficient politicians, succeeded in effecting a temporary 
organization. " Exposition Hall " was an eminently ap- 
propriate place for such a mongrel assemblage. I was 
well supplied with tickets. 

I not only had a member's ticket, (a fao simile of which 
my printer has now made immortal,) but also a "press 
ticket," — which was yellow, and suggested the small-pox 
cards of Chicago, — which are also of the same color, — 
which was certainly apropos, for the Convention originally 
" broke out " among the newspaper men, and to a 
certain limited extent its ravages were fearful. 

If I dared, I would "let on" how that press ticket of 
mine did double duty — how I would first pass in myself, 
and then slip it through the fence for a friend to use, 



64 



THAT CONVENTION ; OR, 



lUiXJX p -^ 



? i ffi 




Plum Street Entrance. 



and how it got us seats upon the platform with the 
" great guns " of the affair, and all that. But this por- 
tion I have decided to carefully suppress, as I may wish 
to repeat the operation at some future time. 

One of the first things that attracted my attention, 
after getting comfortably upon the grand stand, was the 
effigy of the omni-present Goddess of Liberty, surround- 
ed with a luxurious growth of India-rubber plants ! I 
can't say that those who decorated the hall intended it 
as a joke, but the elasticity with which this female plays 
an important part in political gatherings of every shade 
and complexion of opinion, however opposite the prin- 
ciples of each, seemed to be keenly caricatured by the 
arrangement referred to. 

But I digress. As we sat at dinner on Wednesday, 
one of the New York delegates took a seat opposite, and 
called a waiter. " What have you got for {hie ) dinner, 

John r 

" Here is a Bill of Fare, sir," said John. 




THE ELASTIC GODDESS. 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



67 




How that press ticket of mine did double duty. 



" Bill o' what, John ? Aint you got any illustrated 
cards, (hie) John ?" 

" Don't know nuffiin* 'bout no sich, Sah ! " 

"Pert' fellow, (hie J you, (hie) John! Don't know 
what a 'lustrated (hie), bill, is ? Why, they are all the go 
in New York, John ; just the thing for (Me) me, John." 

" Why so, Sah?" asked John. 

"Wall, (hie,) tell you, John, I can't read — so tell me 
what y' got for dinner." 

" We've got roast beef, roast turkey, boiled corned 
beef, mutton, fish, soup, " 

" Hold on ! Hold on (hie) John. Anything — don't 
care what — to beat Grant. Bring me anything, John (hie), to 
beat Grant /" 



68 



THAT CONVENTION ; OR, 



After the arduous duties of opening the Convention, 
we remained long at table, and wishing to feel the negro 
pulse relative to the live political issues of the day pro- 
ceeded to formally interview William, our colored boy. 

"We opened our conversation in the following cautious 
manner : 

" Well, William, what do you think of all this fuss, and 
who are you for ?" 




"I'sefor de man dat settles de soda-water question." 

" Tell you, Sah. I'se for de man dat settles de soda- 
water question," responded our sable friend. 

" What soda-water question?" we inquired. 

" Why, I tell you gemmen delegates," said the boy. 
" Few days 'go my old chummy and me cum up frum 
Natchez, an' I asked Jake (dat's de feller what was wid 
me, Sah,) for to take sumpin, and we hit on soda, Sah ! 
We walked into a Big-Bug soda-water shop, laid down 
de tin, and sequestrated de gemmen behind de bar to 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 69 

fotch us out two drinks of de sweetened wind. What 
d'ye 'spose dey told Jake and me, Sah ?" 

We signified our inability to even surmise, whereupon 
William continued : 

" Why, Sah, de poor white trash behind de bar, 'lowed 
as how dey didn't sell soda to niggers in dat shanty \" 

We manifested the utmost indignation at the dis- 
courteous treatment of William and his friend, when 
that gentleman proceeded to enlighten us on the soda- 
water question still further. 

With that knowing look so peculiar to the trans- 
planted cotton-field darkey, William continued: 

" De berry nex day arter, I fought I'd try dat feller of 
de soda shop on, so Jake and me took ourselves round to 
de shop and perlitely made a bequest of de young pill- 
box to fotch us out some pisen, and oh ! lawdy gemmen, 
how dat air same sawbones as didn't sell soda to 
niggers fotched out de pisen and snaked de stamps frum 
de paw of William Augustus Kobinson (dat's me, Mister 
delegates ! ) Do you call dat freedom ?" said William, 
warming up. 

We replied that we considered the action of the 
apothecary clerk a piece of tyranny not even equalled 
by the most dastardly act ever committed by the in- 
famous Nero. William thereupon answered rather 
equivocally the first question we put him in this manner: 

" I votes for niggers gettin soda at a Big-Bug soda- 
shop, and de man dat settles de soda-water question is 
de man for de cullud pussons !" 

Stavie inquired of William, who, in his opinion, all 
the delegates around " were going for." 

" Goin for?" asked our darkey. " Why I 'spose dey 
going for what dey been done goin for ever since dey 
been 'bout hear !" 



70 THAT CONVENTION ; OR. 

c ' What is that ?" interrogated Stavie. 

" Good, square meals, San! Why, de troof is, gem- 
men, dem fellers dat dey call delegates order jis as if 
vittels don't cost nuffin!" 

"William," said Stavie, very solemnly, "Guess you 
are right, my boy ! Guess they don't. Mine' don't, I 
know ! Your head is beyond a doubt level upon that 
point, William. Judge Davis furnishes the money to 
support this crowd." 

"Who's he, Sah ?" asked the boy. 

"Why, don't you know? He's one of the Presi- 
dential candidates," replied Stavie. 

" Must be a awful big man to pay all dem air bills !" 
ejaculated William, with unfeigned wonder. 

" He is, William," said Stavie again solemnly but 
evidently with great positiveness, as he handed the boy 
his napkin and left the table. 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



71 



IX. 

The "Women in " That Convention." 




Col. Susie B. Anthony. — Warranted to travel anywhere without 
fear of molestation. 

The women — bless their dear hearts! — must not be 
mixed up with the naughty men, and I give them a little 
chapter all to themselves, which for length, compared 
with the entire book, is about in the same relative pro- 



72 that convention; ok, 

portion as the numerical strength developed by the 
" suppressed sex " at Cincinnati, as compared with the 
entire attendance. Pray don't misunderstand me when 
I say " numerical strength," for is not Susan B. Anthony 
as good as any ten specimens of the " Fourteenth 
Amendment," or equal to a thousand white men — in 
some particulars ? Can't she talk until a congregation 
or a Convention resembles a lunatic asylum ? And can't 
she play the very deuce with the printers, when she 
commences throwing off " copy ?" (I suppose that her 
resemblance to Horace Greeley in this respect is what 
makes them love each other so!) Well, she was there^ 
and represented the aggressive female American brains, 
while the beauty of strong-mindedness was personified 
in Rev. Laura de Force Gordon, a properly credentialed 
delegate from California. But these sore-headed men 
would only allow them to serve as " things of beauty," 
which was just what they didn't want. They wanted to 
talk — but the men wouldn't let them, and under the 
fatherly or brotherly care of the brilliant but erratic 
Theodore Tilton, this champion of the Coming Woman, 
and her younger confrere, the Sun-Set Hope of the 
Cause, held sweet intercourse together in sight of the 
assembled multitudes. 

After a while, Miss Gordon became restless under the 
imposed silence, and addressed the chair. At first she 
received no response, but finally, Mr. Schurz, in the most 
polite manner possible, begged her pardon, but said that 
as he understood the action of the Committee on Cre- 
dentials, the ladies were only extended the courtesy of 
seats upon the platform. 

Shortly after these two disappeared from my sight. 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



73 



Perhaps they adjourned to a neighboring suburb and 
tried their hand at snipe-shooting, along with Belmont. 




«F. G. W.'s" Candidate. 



74 



THAT CONVENTION J OR, 



X. 

" The Plot Thickens " — Our Trio Becomes a Quartette. 
Wednesday night was rendered memorable by the 
arrival of "Botch." 




" We were glad to see Botch." 
Botch, you see, was one of our friends who intended 
to accompany us Sunday evening, but he had a little 
matter up in Milwaukee to attend to, so he was delayed. 
He was appointed " delegate " from Chicago to attend a 
funeral. This is a way Chicago has of^ attending to all 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 75 

the funerals in the small suburbs adjacent, which I 
think is very kind of Chicago. Botch has a sympathetic 
nature — can get out more tears in a given time than any 
other man in the Garden City. So he generally gets 
plenty to do in the funeral line. 

Botch is a good fellow. We all like him. He is also 
a man of letters and parts. He graduated in the same 
class with most all the prominent men of the land. He 
is single. His age I cannot toll. His life has been a 
queer one. He told me all about it one day. After he 
graduated he was induced to study Medicine. So, in 
good faith, he commenced and studied faithfully, until 
one day the fact struck him that all the text books 
seemed to teach one thing that did not appear clear to 
him; and that was, that all the remedies that the books 
recommended to be taken by the sick, would, if taken 
by a well person, either kill or cause sickness. Botch is 
conscientious, and he promptly swore off from the 
"medicine business." He then tried the Law. Bacon, 
and Chitty, and Blackstone, he read until his eyes were 
dim and he began to flatter himself that he was a 
Lawyer. Finally, one forenoon he was sitting in one of 
the Court-rooms in Illinois, when iu marched Gridley, 
of Bloomington, (who was also one of the delegates to 
the Convention, ) carrying a small cart-load of law books 
under his arms; and in his squeaking voice addressed 
the bench — "May it please your Honor, I would like to 
read you some law on the case you decided last night." 

"If the gentleman will be so kind, he will remember 
that the Court has rendered its decision in the case and 
there is no further need to cite authorities," said the 
Judge. 

" I suppose your Honor was right," continued Mr. G., 



76 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, 

but I just wanted to prove to you what d n fools old 

Chitty and Bacon were !" 

"Whereupon Botch quitted the law. But geniuses are 
versatile and so is Botch. He and another graduate were 
next induced to try the Ice Cream business. "We all 
used to patronize our collegiate friend, but somehow he 
did not stick to it — I really do not know why. 

Next after this, and shortly after the Great Fire, some 
one told Botch that the fire had destroyed all the birds 
in the city, and that there would be a great demand for 
them in the spring. So Botch bought a lot of wood 
land which was recommended to him as being " good 
for birds." He provided himself with a goodly quantity 
of salt, and following the advice of his friend, sought to 
catch his birds by the traditional method of sprinkling 
salt upon their tails ! 

"Creep up to them carefully," said that disinterested 
friend, and while their attention is attracted by some 
other object, you can sprinkle the salt upon their tails, 
then they will turn around to eat it and you can easily 
capture them." 

He followed the simple directions implicitly, and a few 
unsuccessful attempts did not discourage Botch. But 
at last the horrible fact occurred to him that he was 
using an article on which a duty was paid. Botch is 
a strong " Free Trader. " He is conscientious about this 
as in every other matter. He dropped his handful of 
salt and swore — no, vowed, for he doesn't swear, that he 
would not follow any business that in any way encour- 
aged this accursed protective tariff! And then he quit 
the bird business and he has a large sign on his wood 
land inscribed with the quaint legend — 
"Fos Sale." 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



77 








"He followed the simple directions implicitly." 
But as I remarked before, Botch is a good fellow, and 
we all like him. It was out of pure affection for our 
versatile friend, entirely unmixed with sinister or selfish 
motives, that Steady appointed Botch a " delegate " to 
"that Convention," and set him up in the "politics 
business." 

"He ought to succeed at that," said Steady, "but I 
don't know ; these thorough-bred gentlemen seem to 
lack some essential elements, as does the Clay stock of 
horses. I like the self-made — those fellows that grow 
from the ground up by their own unaided efforts. There 
was a fellow of that sort who once lived in Galena, 111., 
— saved the country, you know, and then he was elected 
President. He was not one of the " first families," but 
somehow whatever he undertook was crowned with the 
prestige of victory !" (Unanimous applause from Stavie 
and I, the more especially as this truthful eulogy was 
pronounced by a rabid Davis man.) 

Well, we were glad to see Botch, and shook him up 
lively, squeezing his hand a la " Long John." 

" Yellow ticket, Botch ?" we asked. 



78 



THAT CONVENTION I OE, 



" Yes, marked ' special.' " 

" Good enough, old boy; and now how are you off for 
a room V 

The new arrival looked blank. " I've no room," said 
he — " supposed there would be plenty. Did not think 
many people would be here." The idea that there 
wouldn't be many people in Porkopolis when it was the 
Nation's uprising, so to speak, to save the Country 
( to the office-seekers !) 

" We can fix you, though. Have just room for ' one 
more ' in our party. You're all right. Bend your bag- 
gage to 237." 




"We did what we could to make him tight and comfortable." 

Here I wish to draw a veil, as it were. I don't like to 
talk about anyone, and I wouldn't say anything about 
Botch for the world. He is a good fellow and he lives 
in Chicago. He is a single man ; also, a man of letters 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. '/ U 

and of parts, graduate, and all that. But lie has his 
little idiosyncrasies. 

We did what we could to make him tight and comfort- 
able — but he didn't stay in 237. Four of us, actual 
count, retired in that room Wednesday night, but at the 
usual hour in the morning for playing on the harp, and 
taking our political lesson, Botch was missing. 



80 THAT CONVENTION ; OK a 



XL 

Room 237 — "I Could a Tale Unfold. 




" F. G-. W." saving his country at Cincinnati. 

I don't suppose that it is just according to the 
Author's " ring " to unveil to the gaze of the vulgar 
world, the secrets of one's household, or hotel. I don't 
know as there is any rule for the "ring," or whether 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 81 

there is any such ring. I don't know as anything I 
have written has been according to rule. But as I have 
had frequent occasion in this " o'er true tale " to advert 
to room No. 237 , Burnet House, and to refer to it in a 
manner at least suggestive, and as I profess to be a 
faithful historian, whatever else I may be, I will at least 
recur to it, and touch briefly and tenderly upon what 
there transpired. 

All human beings require some relaxation, and if 
politicians cannot properly be classed under this head, 
yet they must " let up " occasionally. We " let up " in 
237. 

And right here I wish to digress in order to place one 
man's record right before the public. If anyone should 
take the trouble to glance over the Burnet House register 
to see who occupied 237 during the Convention week, I 
wish to tell them that the estimable gentleman whose 
name appears fourth and last, was not an occupant of 
the room, and was entirely irresponsible for any trans- 
actions which there occurred, whether wise or otherwise. 

There were only three of us — I think I have previous- 
ly mentioned their names somewhere, Steady, Stavie, 
and " Yours respectably " — save the one small section of 
a night when our dear friend Botch shared our hospi- 
talities, and, like the Arab, folding his bandana hand- 
kerchief, stole silently away, at an hour and moment to 
us unknown, not even leaving his umbrella or paper 
collar box to tell that he had been there. 

Night is the time, 'tis said, when Genius, like the owl, 
flits about. It was at night I did my heavy writing, 
and carefully propped up by a pile of pillows, with 
with a wet towel around my fevered brow, undisturbed 
by naught save the unobtrusive popping of wine corks, 



82 THAT CONVENTION * OE, 

the playful breaking of bottles and other articles of 
furniture usually to be found in a first-class hotel, my 
versatile pencil ran serenely on. I say versatile pencil, 
because sometimes it would try to write with the blunt 
end downwards, and occasionally, a wine bottle in its 
fervid flights, would send the pencil turning bewildering 
somersaults in mid-air. 

I am pained to say that during a good share of Mon- 
day and Tuesday nights the room was noisy — in fact, it 
was what some people might term very noisy. I know 
that's what a next door neighbor — who had come up 
from a lower floor to get where it was quiet — called it, 
with an expressive adjective connected with his forcible 
style of wording it. He took the matter so much to 
heart that he reported it at the office, where he received 
the satisfactory answer that it was " Convention week, 
and the boys have come down here for fun, and they 
must have it, you know." 

In response to this he ungraciously consigned the 
Convention and every one connected with it, to a 
locality the name of which is better known than its 
geographical location. All of which was entirely super- 
fluous, the more especially as a majority of the delegates 
already had through tickets — that Davis didn't pay for, — 
and the balance wished themselves there when they 
found out who they had nominated. 

But to return to our friend. After that, when we 
would hear him tossing about, and groaning, and getting 
up corners on swear words, we used to sympathize with 
that man. And to let him know how we laid awake to 
pity him, some of the boys would lovingly toss a stray 
boot, or a broken chair — T don't know why, but the 
chairs in our room were mostly all weak somewhere, or 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 83 

some other little relic, and when these would strike the 
wall dividing his room from ours, he would always 
manifest in an original manner that was quite taking, 
his lively appreciation of our sympathy in his sleepless 
vigils. I've met that same man since and he didn't 
know me. Such is gratitude ! 

As I said before, the proprietors of the Burnet were 
very kind to the " boys " — much kinder than they were 
to the girls, for when the Anthony, and the Sun-Set 
Hope, of the Woman's Cause, attempted to talk in a 
quiet way to the wise men there assembled, in the 
parlors of the hotel, the proprietors, taking their cue 
from the Convention, in the most surprising manner 
walked them out under escort of two brave " stars !" 
It is evident that the Burnet House was " run " in the 
interest of the " boys " that week. 

To resume. It cost Steady many an hour's sleep, and 
many a " line upon line," to train Stavie and I how to 
be politicians — how to gesticulate — how to argue — how 
to give effective emphasis, when necessary, by striking 
on the table with clinched fists — and how to drink. 

And here I wish to rise to a question of privilege. The 
word " drink " has been mentioned, and I wish to set 
" our crowd" right on the Liquor Law question. 

Of course we drank a little lager, and the boys used 
to order up wine bottles occasionally — simply to keep 
the shiftless waiters employed. Personally, I confined 
myself to "still Catawba," which is hardly a beverage 
with which a first-class politician would ever astonish 
his stomach. 

Sometimes, I must admit, we became hilarious, but 
always good-naturedly so. And under these circum- 
stances the fertility of invention displayed by each in his 



84 



THAT CONVENTION ; OK, 



efforts to destroy the prevailing monotony- — and such 
articles as were not immovably a part of the room, were 
certainly amusing to ourselves. It might not have 
proved equally diverting to any chance visitor. 




" Line upon line." 

I know the waiters dreaded that room as they do the 
K. K. K., or his Sulphurious Majesty I don't know 
why, but the same one never answered our bell the 
second time. Perhaps, after all, I may be too sensitive 
— perhaps they liked it so well that they wanted to give 
each other "a fair show." But the same one never came 
but once — at a time, and one of them I know never came 
but one time. 

That was one of the first nights we were there. The 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



85 



boys had been haying their little fun in keeping the 
waiters climbing with fresh relays of wine bottles, until 
I remember that I was convinced that their little joke 
had gone far enough. I expatiated and urged them to 
quit, but they didn't know enough, at that moment, to 
quit; or, if they did, they didn't; and as I didn't feel 
equal to the exertion — I was very tired just then, I in- 
distinctly remember — of assisting them to quit, I 
pounced upon the next luckless darkey that stuck his 
frightened head inside the door — I always like to take 
some one I can whip ; whereupon occurred a little 




"Whereupon occurred a little ' walk-around.' " 

" walk-around " such one does not often see — even at 
Hooley's Minstrels. With one grasp on his coat collar, 
and my other hand, like that of Fate, held threatening- 
ly aloft, I played ghost to the blackest Hamlet, with the 
scaredest face, that you most likely ever saw. The wine 



86 THAT CONVENTION J OR, 

bottles, which the wretch had brought, went one way, the 
glasses another, and he a third — which was finally — to 
my relief and I suppose to his — towards the door. Then 
I " bounced " him, giving him a good starter on his 
return trip down stairs, which I'll be bound was a short 
one. Then I betook myself to blissful dreams, in which 
politicians, champagne bottles with human heads, .and 
other Sons of Darkness, went jigging about in intermin- 
able circles. Bat no more wine came up that night — 
nor any more deluded darkies. 

As I have suggested, 237 was not a healthy place for 
darkies. I think it must have been because it was too 
"high " for them, the atmosphere was too exhilerating, 
so to speak. Perhaps they might have grown accustom- 
ed to this after a time, but they never managed to stay 
long enough to become acclimated. 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



XII. 
F. GL W." Sweaes Off. 




Political Life. 

It may have incidentally occurred to some one that I 
have said but little about "that Convention." It was 
made up, principally of " sore heads " — whom, I am in- 
formed showed their credentials by taking off their hats ; 
old line wire-pullers and log-rollers ; the cashiers of the 
Davis Fund ; and a crowd of lookers-on who enjoyed 
the whole affair as a big joke. Hence, the less said about 
it, save as a joke, the better. 

Friday night the city purged itself, and took a square 
sleep. 

Steady's installment of the Davis Fund having struck 



88 THAT CONVENTION ', OR, 

bottom, he struck out for home directly after the adjourn- 
ment. 

Stavie and I remained over night, and, felicitating our- 
selves upon our near release from the " politics business," 
slept the sleep of the just. 

At early dawn, on Saturday, we left the hospitable 
shelter of the Burnet, homeward bound. We were both 
tired out, and neither cared to say much about his life 
in Cincinnati. 

So my mind wandered back over my "five days a 
politician," and I trust with profit. To be a first-class 
politician, then, you must drink "early and often." This 
is not my forte. You must tell falsehoods — in the name 
of your "party." You must accept the man who is 
nominated by your " party " — no matter how unfit he is 
for the office. You must deceive your best friend, if 
need be, for the good of your "party." In short, you 
must be "good Lord " and " good Devil," all of which is 
hard for me to do. 

At South Bend I telegraphed : 

'Mrs. F. G. W., 

Spark Street, 

Chicago : 
All there is left of "that Convention" will arrive at 9 p.m. 

F. G. W." 

As we neared the city we met an out-going train which 
supplied us with the evening papers, and almost the first 
thing that caught my eye was the following : 

"Lost Man. 

' ' Mr. Confucius Botch, formerly of Chicago, left his boarding-house 
in this city May 1st, to attend the ' Liberal Convention ' at Cincin- 
nati, and has been absent since that time. Having no business to 
detain him, fears of foul play are entertained by his friends, who 
would be glad to receive information respecting him." 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



89 



" Stavie," said I, look at this. " Poor Botch has not 
returned." 

" Would to Heaven I had not gone to ' that Conven- 
tion,' " said Stavie, "with tears in his eyes. " Botch was a 
good fellow, wasn't he ? I always liked Botch, and I will 
spend my. bottom dollar, but he shall be found." 

At 9 p.m. we arrived in Chicago. From the depot to 
the house is about a mile, and homewards I hurried on 
a bounding: horse-car. 




•' On a bounding horse-car/ 5 

As I approached the door-yardj and I glanced into the 

windows well, I do not like to record, my family 

matters in a book like this ; but if by the humiliating 
confession I can save but one young woman, or even one 
young man, from entering on the course I led during 
this five days experience, I will gladly do so, and think 
myself amply rewarded. 

From the moment I left this threshold for " that Con- 
vention," until my return, I had forgotten my loved ones 
at home. If this be the wages of the politician — if to be 
politically great,as this world goes, is to forget these — then 



90 



THAT CONVENTION. 



" Steep me in poverty to the very lips ; give to captivity 
me and my utmost hopes;" aye, wither my tongue, close 
my eyes to all the beauties of this world — but for the love 
of Heaven save me from the honors and rewards of an 
American Politician. 



9f4rr 




Home Life. 



THE "DOLLY VARDEN" CONVENTION, 



THE "DOUGHNUT" PLATFORM. 



PART SECOND. 



THE "DOLLY VARDEN" CONVENTION, 



AND 



THE " DOUGHNUT PLATFORM." 



The Call. 

Whereas, The Usurper Grant Las reduced the national debt, and 
the taxes at the same time ; and 

Whereas, The Mudsill Grant has protected the negroes; and 

Whereas, The Nepotic Grant has persistently refused to give us 
offices ; and 

Whereas, The Bull-dog Grant has clung to his own ideas, utterly- 
refusing to be dictated to by old and reliable politicians; and 

Whereas, Sum-of-all Villainies Grant has made himself contuma- 
ciously obnoxious to all schemers, sore-heads, malcontents, and dis- 
affected persons generally; therefore, with charity to ourselves and 
malice to all others, be it 

RESOLVED, 0, ye disconsolate, that you shall come into meeting 
at Cincinnati, on the 1st day of May, upon which auspicious occasion 
there will be moving times (this is a joke); and 

RESOLVED, That then and there the ointment of mutual condo- 
lence and sympathy shall heal our sore heads; our nakedness we 
will cover with the chaste and artistic Dolly Varden robes; the 
aching void in our pockets shall be filled with the Davis Fund, and 



96 



THAT CONVENTION J OR, 



all our sorrows shall be drowned in foaming Cincinnati lager and 
"OLD KENTUCKY EYE." 



All of which was carried out according to programme, as detailed 
in succeeding chapters. 




FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 97 



n. 

Fikst Day. , 
The famous Cincinnati Convention, or, as some one 
has facetiously termed it, the " Dolly Varden Muster," 
composed of disaffected Bepublicans, together with a 
very fair sprinkling of the worst elements of the dead 
Democracy, assembled in Exposition Hall on Wednesday 
morning, May 1st, for the purpose of nominating a 
ticket in opposition to the regular Bepublican nomina- 
tion; or, in other words, to concentrate their strength 
with that of the Democrats upon one man, in order to 
defeat General Grant. About fifteen hundred persons 
were present on the first day, who appeared to exhibit, 
for the most part, the most profound indifference to the 
proceedings. Colonel Grosvenor called the Convention 
to order, when Judge Stanley Matthews, of Ohio, was 
elected temporary Chairman. Senator Schurz was called 
on for a speech, but he declined in a few words of almost 
peremptory character. The Convention then adjourned. 



98 THAT CONVENTION J OR, 



ni. 

Second Day. 

On re -assembling: May 2d, the question of the admis- 
sion of the New York delegations was decided, the anti- 
Greeley men being nn ceremoniously hustled out. On 
motion, Senator Schurz was chosen permanent President 
of the Convention. There was great impatience mani- 
fested at the necessary delays of organization, which 
could hardly be restrained by the presiding officer. Mr. 
Schurz having expressed his thanks for the unexpected 
honor of the permanent Chairmanship, then proceeded 
to deliver a carefully prepared speech, the manuscript of 
which he laid on the desk before him, and then poured 
out his eloquence in that Senatorial style which had be- 
come so familiar to many of his hearers. The speech, as 
simply a studied effort, a fine oration, was an excellent 
one. Few men could be found to take exceptions to its 
abstract propositions, but it was a scathing piece of bitter 
irony upon the purposes of the men who had assembled 
to carry out the very purpose alone which he con- 
demned, viz: " To beat Grant !" 

It surprised many and disgusted others to find that Sen- 
ator Schurz was not ready to accept " any man" to beat 
Grant, and so the applause which followed his denuncia- 
tions of mere seeking for availability was somewhat faint. 



(kWW;- 




if'-' 1 



LoFC. 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 101 

It was said that had lie boldly pronounced the real and 
only purpose, as again and again expressed by the dele- 
gates on the floor, namely, " to beat Grant," he would 
have been literally borne on the shoulders of the multi- 
tude. But he clothed his designs with a loftier purpose, 
and did not promise his followers success unless they 
should prove that they deserved it. The speech was 
quickly and correctly construed as a speech in favor of 
Mr. Adams and for revenue reform, and this checked 
somewhat the demonstrations with which otherwise its 
fine theories would have been greeted, for the friends of 
other candidates were cold-blooded at the allusions so 
pointedly made. The most conspicuous feature of the 
speech was the fact that there was almost a total want 
of sympathy on the part of the audience of delegates 
with the speaker's utterances in regard to the reforms in 
the Government. There was considerable mechanical 
applause at times, but no hearty, enthusiastic responses. 
When he warned them of the dangers that beset them in 
the ways of the politicians, many of them smiled an in- 
credulous smile ; and when the eloquent speaker was 
finished, its effect was gone, and frantic efforts to force 
a nomination before the platform was reported, charac- 
terized the proceedings towards the close of the second 
day. 

The Committee on Resolutions strenuously endeavored 
to keep their work on the tariff plank secret; and well 
they might, for a more shameful piece of political jug- 
glery was never before attempted to be played on intel- 
ligent people. The sessions of the Committee were pro- 
longed nine hours, and the framing of the tariff resolution 
was committed to a sub-committee, consisting of "Wells, 
Hoadley, and Defrees. When submitted to the full 



102 THAT CONVENTION ', OR, 

Committee a stormy scene ensued, in which reputations 
and furniture suffered, but blows were avoided. After 
great tribulation the precious plank was produced, which, 
despite the pretended reserve of Mr. Atkinson and Mr. 
"Wells, was at once pronounced the "Doughnut plank" 
of the "Dolly Varden Platform." The whole affair was 
a shameful sham, which artfully concealed its true mo- 
tives. The bantling was at once sent to Greeley for his 
approval, which was at once given. The following is the 
odious resolution: 

KESOLVED, That the system of Federal taxation should be laid 
so as not to interfere unnecessarily with the industries of the country ; 
that the amount of revenue to be raised should only be sufficient to 
pay the expenses of the Government economically administered, the 
pensions, the interest on the public debt, and such moderate portion 
of the principal thereof annually as will extinguish the whole in a 
reasonable time, and that the method by which the taxes shall be 
adjusted in principle and in detail is one that should be relegated to 
the representatives of the people in Congress without Executive 
interference or dictation. 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 103 



in. 

The Last Day. 
There were moments during the brief career of the 
" muster " when it seemed to have symptoms of pro- 
tracted and vigorous life, but the charlatans who brought 
it into existence attended it with too great solicitude, 
and it died, as a natural consequence, upon their hands. 
The history of its last few hours is strikingly illustrative 
of the fact that a political movement matured by fraudu- 
lent practices cannot hope to survive. Since the Sunday 
previous to its assembling the Convention was literally 
stolen by political knaves. First came the cohorts 
of Judge Davis, headed by John Defrees, who manu- 
factured a tremendous outside pressure that would 
have resulted on the 1st of May in the nomination of 
Davis. The moral sense of the Convention was all the 
time with A#ams and Trumbull, as was most, if not all 
its political honesty, as well as its sincerity and intel- 
ligence. In these early stages of the struggle Davis was 
pushed by Messrs. Ward H. Lamon, David Dudley 
Field, Leonard Sweet, Henry S. Cake and General 
Gridley, of Bloomington, Illinois. On the other hand, 
the advocates of Adams were Edward Atkinson, David 
A. Wells, Horace White, Samuel Bowles, Stanley 
Matthews, Judge Hoadley and many others, who pos- 
sessed all the sincerity and honesty of the concern. 



104 THAT CONVENTION J OR, 

On Thursday night the Philistines sneaked into their 
camp and out-manoeuvred them. Late at night it was 
rumored that Frank Blair and Montgomery Blair had 
reached the city, and soon afterward it was ascertained 
that Gratz Brown was in their company. Such a combina- 
tion could have meant nothing but mischief, and the 
Adams forces were instantly on the alert, but did not 
succeed in learning the moves of the conspirators until 
it was too late to counteract them. About two o'clock 
in the day it was discovered that these men had been 
in consultation in Covington and in Cincinatti, with 
the corruptionists in the Convention, and that it had 
been determined that Brown should withdraw in favor 
of Greeley and take the second place on the ticket. 
This made the combination a powerful one, and the 
Adams men, who believed its success would be the 
death of the movement, were yet aware of the 
danger of its being forced through the Convention. 
As shameless a political bargain as was ever made 
naturally enticed to its support such whole-souled 
patriots as General Cochrane, Waldo Hutchins, Alex. 
McClure, Gratz Brown, and any number of con- 
scienceless political scamps from the South, and the sort 
of influence which would be used by such men as these 
was naturally dreaded. When the Convention assembled 
there were no signs of the conspiracy for some time in 
the proceedings, but its existence was generally known 
and bitter comments upon it could be heard in every 
quarter by the friends of Adams, Davis and Trumbull. 

Having got safely through the platform, with manifesta- 
tions of intense delight that a transparent cheat as the 
tariff question had been devised, the Convention pro- 
ceeded to ballot for a candidate for President. The roll 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 105 

of States was called and yet there were no signs of a 
conspiracy. But no sooner had the result been an- 
nounced showing that Adams had developed the full 
strength claimed, than the bargain was sprung upon the 
Convention. Gratz Brown for the first time appeared 
upon the floor. He then proceeded to make that re- 
markable speech, declaring for Greeley, when the ex- 
plosion instantly came. Missouri changed her vote from 
Brown to Trumbull and the Chairman of the Kentucky 
delegation, Mr. Cassius M. Clay arose and cast the five 
votes given Brown for his " old and honored friend, 
Horace Greeley." There were several other changes, 
of votes, and then Missouri asked leave to retire for 
consultation amidst no little commotion and the violent 
expletives with which several members greeted the ex- 
posure of the conspiracy. Finally the delegation got 
out of the hall without any actual physical collision, and 
then the second phase of the bargain appeared. Alex. 
McClure withdrew the name of Gov. Curtin and asked 
leave for Pennsylvania to retire for consultation, by which 
he meant, that he might have an opportunity to whet 
that knife which on the previous evening he had threaten- 
ed to put into the free traders. The session of the Mis- 
sourians was stormy in the extreme. Senator Schurz 
relinquished the chair to Mr. Julian, and appearing 
before the delegation of his State, proceeded to make a 
brief but vigorous speech against the consummation of 
the bargain by the nomination of Horace Greeley. The 
arguments of Schurz, with the disgust of the Missourians 
at their transfer like sheep, caused both Brown and his 
bargain to be repudiated. Presently the bargain again 
appeared. 

The success of the conspiracy was even then far more 



106 THAT CONVENTION J OR, 

assured. Alabama and Arkansas, rotten with graceless 
delegates, and which had been divided, led off solid for 
Greeley. California gave him half, and Georgia all, 
while before she had had none for him. But there were 
no other breaks of consequence before Missouri was 
called, and that State gave Greeley only ten, while she 
gave Trumbull sixteen and Adams four. The announce- 
ment of the vote by General McNeil, the Chairman, being 
instantly followed by one of the delegates shouting, 
u We've been sold, but not delivered." When it came to 
Pennsylvania, it was found that McClure had been 
equally unable to fulfill his contract, as that State had 
only 18 for Greeley, with 26 for Adams, and 11 for Trum- 
bull. When the result of the ballot showed Adams 243, 
Greeley 245, Trumbull 148, and Davis 75, the conspiracy 
seemed a failure. The Adams men became radiant, and 
for a time delighted in the delusion that the rays of 
political purity had come again, and that their candidate, 
for whom no questionable means had been used, was to 
triumph by the mere force of merit over the chicanery of 
professional politicians. At the conclusion of this ballot 
there was an unusual uproar, caused by the meeting of 
the delegations. The emissaries of the corrupt agricul- 
turalist, together with the Brown wing, were at work, 
and the Adams men became uneasy; but the roll-call of 
the third ballot soon began, and being completed, showed 
Adams 264, Greeley 258, Trumbull 146, and Davis 44. 
Virtue was still triumphant against intrigue. Adams 
on the fourth ballot had 279, Greeley 251, and Trumbull 
141. Not only had Adams gained, but Greeley had actu- 
ally lost, and it was generally supposed that the Trum- 
bull vote, which was the balance of power, would, when 
it left him, go to Adams, and nominate him. Those who 



Five days a politician. 107 

were ignorant of the depth of iniquity into which the 
Greeley managers had descended, supposed the nomina- 
tion of Adams certain, and telegrams to that effect were 
flashed over the country. On the next ballot the break 
began, Trumbull going down to 91, Adams rising to 309, 
and Greeley to 256. The latter had gained only 5, but 
Adams had gained 30, and there was no longer any doubt 
in many minds but that Adams would be nominated on 
the next ballot. The Trumbull men were going over to 
him. It was thought that there was no longer any dan- 
ger of a stampede to Greeley, and there was also a gen- 
eral conclusion that the Blairs, Gratz Brown, Cochrane, 
Hutchins, McClure, and other intriguers had gained 
nothing by their labors. But they had not been given 
credit for their astuteness, for all this time they had 
been merely playing with the victim they were now pre- 
pared to crush. 

At this juncture the Illinois delegation asked leave 
to retire, and in the confusion following their exit 
the calling of the sixth ballot began. Alabama and 
Arkansas voted solid for Greeley. Georgia next went 
solid for the " Chappaqua farmer," and then the critical 
moment had come. John Cochrane jumped to his feet 
and set up a yell, in which all the plotters joined. It was 
minutes before the roll could be called further. Indiana 
followed almost solid for Greeley, and the yells were re- 
newed with more volume and intensity than before. It 
became evident that Greeley was to be shouted down the 
throat of the Convention, and in vain Schurz pounded 
for order. There was no order in the crowd of political 
tricksters below him, and as gains for Greeley were an- 
nounced in Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Mississippi, Louis- 
iana, and Missouri, which finally voted Greeley, with 



108 THAT CONVENTION J OR, 

Adams 10 and Trumbull 2, it was evident that the Tribune 
philosopher was stamped in the nomination. But Mc- 
Clure had to make a proper showing, and Pennsylvania 
before the changes commenced stood Adams 32, Greeley 
18. At the close of the call the Convention degenerated 
into a mob of yelling madmen. Private tallies had shown 
that the plot had succeeded, and everywhere chairmen 
of delegations were on their feet demanding to change 
the vote of their States, which was done, when finally the 
ballot was announced — Greeley 482, and Adams 187 — 
and as a fitting termination of this buffoonery, Horace 
Greeley was declared nominated as the candidate of the 
" Dolly Varden ticket." On not a few the realization of 
the situation settled like a pall. The Southern States, 
which had been scattering their votes on Chase, Brown, 
and Trumbull, hurried to change them to the winning 
man, and the announcements were made amid loud 
cheers and storms of hisses from the floor and galleries. 
Cries of "shame!" and yells of delight were mingled in 
the common discord. Every man's face was a study. 
Hundreds of delegates stamped their feet and swore. 
Judge Hoadley, of the Ohio delegation, shook with rage. 
Stanley Matthews swelled until it seemed as if he would 
burst. The pig-iron arrow which he shot at McClure the 
night before had been turned, and now pierced his own 
side. The faces of the "independent journalists," which 
had a few moments before been aglow with joyful hope at 
the splendid vote of Adams, now grew black under the 
overspreading clouds of disappointment and disgust. 
The countenance of Schurz was a fresh study for the 
facile pencil of Nast. The audience seemed to become 
enraged and delighted by turns. Hats flew wildly, while 
anathemas and maranathemas were hurled at the heads 
of the tricksters who had effected the consummation. 




fyfht 6 ~ 'Ballot 

BEADING THE DISPATCHES. 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. Ill 

Senator Schurz at last, with a voice trembling with visible 
emotion, announced the sixth and last ballot, as follows: 
Whole number of votes cast, 714; necessary to a choice, 
358; of which Charles Francis Adams had 187, and 
Horace Greeley 482. A recess of ten minutes then fol- 
lowed, against the protestations of the Greeley cham- 
pions, who wanted to rush the Greeley-Brown bargain 
straight through without any intermission. During the 
intermission the scene was changed from the appalling to 
the ludicrous. The men at first stunned at the result 
began to realize the length and breadth of the farce, and 
then to laugh immoderately. Among the journalists the 
comments were various, as they telegraphed reserved 
comments or instructions to their papers. Samuel 
Bowles was asked what he was going to do about it, and 
replied that he was " going to think about it." Hal- 
stead, the Murat of "indpendent journalists," swore 
with an emphatic oath; Matterson, of the Louisville 
Courier -Journal, surveyed his wrecked hopes with a sick- 
ening sensation; while Bromley, of the Hartford Post, 
at once bought a ticket for the Mammoth Cave, remark- 
ing, with that characteristic severity which never permits 
him to spoil a joke, even at the expense of his friends, 
that having seen one " mammoth cave," he desired to see 
the other in Kentucky. During this brief recess the 
complexion of the audience changed almost entirely. 
Scores of delegates left in utter disgust and rage, and the 
galleries emptied with great rapidity. The spirit of the 
Convention was broken, and the interest was gone. The 
whole affair had collapsed like a bubble, and it required 
quite an effort to nerve the body up to the exertion of 
completing the remainder of the bargain by the nomina- 
tion of Gratz Brown for Vice-President. The roll-call 
began, and amid the cheers of the Brown body-guard 



112 THAT CONVENTION ; OE, 

from St. Louis, and Greeley's strikers from New York, 
Greeley's States wheeled into line for Brown. The 
Adams men made a frantic effort to stem the tide of dis- 
aster, and, when Connecticut was reached, she cast ten 
votes for George W. Julian, and only one for Brown. 
Illinois, Indiana, and Massachusetts followed suit, and it 
seemed for a moment as if that degree of respectability 
which pertains to Mr. Julian might be saved to the ticket, 
but it was only for a moment. Other States which might 
have nominated Julian, and thus restored a partial spirit 
to the despondent mass, frittered away the vote on 
Trumbull and Cox and Walker; and even Tipton and 
Scovell received eight and twelve votes respectively. So 
that on the total result, Brown was nearly ahead of all 
competitors, thus: Brown, 237; Trumbull, 156; Julian, 
134^; Walker, 84*; Clay, 44; Cox, 25; Scovell, 12; Tip- 
ton, 8. At this point Governor Koerner, of Illinois, 
withdrew Trumbull's name, saying that he had abso- 
lutely declined to take that nomination, and the name of 
Governor Cox was also withdrawn by his authority. At 
this point, also, the announcement was made that the 
Ohio delegation would withdraw from the Convention 
for consultation at College Hall. The second ballot was 
then taken, and the bargain no longer encountered any 
resistance. It went all one way, the farce being kept up 
by those who remained casting the full vote of the dele- 
gation, many members of which had departed until the 
result was announced : Brown, 435; Julian, 175; Walker, 
75; Palmer, 8; Tipton, 3. Amid alternate yells of tri- 
umph and shouts of derision the Convention adjourned 
sine die, and after this manner was perpetrated the most 
stupendous joke of the season — obviously a fitting con- 
clusion to the most absurd farce enacted in the political 
world since the nation's history began. 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



113 



V. 

"What "They Say." 




" Blow. the trumpets, beat the drums; 
See ! the conquering hero comes !" 

Greeley's Consistency. 
(Which is the "brightest jewel in the " doughnut" 



114: 



THAT CONVENTION J OR, 



crown of the " cabbage candidate.") Out of his own 
mouth he foretells the death of his aspirations to the 
Presidency. In the campaign of '68 he inadvertently 
tells us the truth when he says: 

" We are led by him who first taught our armies to conquer in the 
West, and subsequently in the East, also. Eichmond would not 
come to us until we sent Grant after it. [Cheers.] He has never 
yet been defeated, and never will be. He will be as great and 
successful on the field of politics as on the field of arms." 

And again, concerning the one-term principle, January 
5th, 1871, at a political meeting in New York city, he de- 
livered a speech in which he praised the Administration, 
and uttered these words: 

" While asserting the right of every Bepublican to his untrammeled 
choice of a candidate for next President, until a nomination is made, 
I venture to suggest that General Grant will be far better qualified 
for that momentous trust in 1872 than he was in 1868." (! ! ! !) 

His Devotion to "Pkinciple." 
The greatest sham, upon which he has built up what 
reputation with the better class of our citizens he may 
possess, is his professed devotion to " principle," and the 
honesty of his opinions has been held to cover an innu- 
merable multitude of eccentricities in his unequaled feats 
of first appearing upon one side of the fence and then 
upon the other. All of which received an effectual airing 
in the New York Times of June 2, under the head of 
" Our ' Honest Uncle's' Tammany Partnership," which 



"Mr. Greeley, during a long lifetime, has denounced the use of to- 
bacco, and insisted that the man who used it in any shape was quite 
as guilty and degraded as the drunkard. Mr. Greeley was also, until 
the spring of 1871, in the habit of denouncing Tweed as one of the 
most corrupt Democratic politicians in the country. Nevertheless, 
in April. 1871, Mr. Greeley joined with Tweed and Nathaniel Sands 




I' 



w -'^ m iJ * 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. - 117 

in forming a joint-stock company for the manufacture and sale of 
tobacco and cigars, and also with Tweed and Sands was elected to 
manage the affairs of the company as a trustee. He kept his con- 
nection with this company a secret, and was therefore under no ne- 
cessity of changing his profound opinions on the sin of using tobacco. 
He was, however, compelled to defend his partner, Tweed, as openly 
as he dared when the Times began its attack upon the ' Ring. ' "We 
copy the original certificate of incorporation under which Messrs. 
Greeley and Tweed's tobacco company came into existence. Will 
the opponents of tobacco and the believers in consistency reconcile 
Mr. Greeley's connection with this matter with his claim to be con- 
sidered an honest devotee of principle ?" 

After which follow the articles of incorporation re- 
ferred to. 

Wendell Phillips on Greeley.* 

" You know I am neither a ^Republican nor a Grant man. Whom 
I shall vote for, or whether I shall vote at all, I do not know. But 
certainly as against Greeley I am for Grant. We have had one Andy 
Johnson; I will not run the risk of getting another in Horace Gree- 
ley. I want a man with some decided principles. Greeley never had 
any. Besides, I consider Greeley a secession candidate. I believe 
the plot to nominate him was hatched by Southern white rebels more 
than a year ago, and has been mainly nursed by them. I advise any 
one who means to vote for him to find out first what agreements have 
been made by Mr. Greeleys friends with Jeff. Davis and his staff as 
to office and patronage. I am perfectly certain that there is a dis- 
tinct mutual understanding, if not a positive contract, between them. 
If Horace Greeley enters the White House, Jeff. Davis will be as 
surely part of the Administration as Seward was in Lincoln's days. 
No negro can vote for Greeley who values his life or property, or 
cares for his race. If, by a frown of Providence, he is elected, I shall 
advise every Southern loyalist to load the revolvers that Grant's ar- 
rest of North Carolina Ku-klux has allowed to be laid aside. If he is 
elected, let the negroes live in squads of fifty, whom no coward will 
dare shoot down, and show no property after sunset. Lonely men 
will be shot, and no black will own a mule forty-eight hours if 

* Extract of a letter from Mr. Wendell Phillips to Mr. S. P. Cum- 
mings. 



118 THAT CONVENTION ', OK, 

any rebel knows the fact. For a loyal Administration to protect the 
negro, awe the rebel, and give the working man a chance, Grant's 
little finger is worth a baker's dozen of Greeley's. 

Yours, WENDELL PHILLIPS. 

Greeley's Right Bow-wower. 

Horace the Less, editor of the Chicago Tribune, mourn- 
fully says: 

" The nomination of Mr. Greeley maybe a joke, but it is a very 
solemn one." 

How Greeley has " Split" the Republican Party. 

The Chicago Times, the staunch organ of Democracy 
in the North-West, says: 

"It is to be hoped, in the interest of Mr. Greeley, that it is not 
elsewhere as it is in Chicago concerning his strength among Repub- 
licans. "We suspect that, in all the city, a dozen well-known Repub- 
licans cannot be found who have pronounced for him. At any rate, 
if there be that number, they have not revealed themselves. We 
inquired yesterday of the only Greeley Republican whom we have 
met in Chicago (and he is a very moderate one), ' Why don't you 
call a Greeley ratification meeting in this chief Western metropolis ?' 
'Well,' he answered, 'the fact is, we dare not; we would have to 
rely upon the Democrats to compose it, and it's doubtful how they 
would ratify.' The simple truth is, Mr. Greeley has no strength 
among the Republicans of Chicago," 

And again — showing where the Chappaqua wedge has 
really made the "split" — says: 

" There is a very serious defect in the lists of political newspapers 
which some of the philosophic organs are publishing to show the 
tenor of popular sentiment with respect to the candidacy of the phi- 
losopher. There is nothing to indicate the Republican journals that 
have declared for the philosopher. Presumptively, all such journals 
are included in the lists, for it can hardly be that all the journals of 
public opinion which favor the philosopher are Democratic journals. 
Nevertheless, one who is acquainted with the political color of almost 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



119 



every journal of any considerable importance in the United States 
will look through these lists without being able to recognize, after the 
two Tribunes (the big and the little), a single Eepublican journal. 
What is the reason ? If the philosoper is going to get half the votes 
of the Eepublican party, why is it that nobody can hear of any Ee- 
publican newspapers (excepting the big and little Tribune) that are 
supporting him? 

In the most recent of the lists of these philosophic journals that 
have come to hand, are given the names of about one hundred news- 
papers which are said to be ' emphatically for Greeley. ' The papers 
named in this list are published in fifteen different States, the ma- 
jority being in New York, Illinois, and Missouri. There is not a 
single Republican paper in the list. Every one of them is a Demo- 
cratic paper, and though here put down as ' emphatically for Gree- 
ley,' the Times recognizes the majority of them as Democratic papers 
which propose to await the action of the Baltimore Convention, and 
to be governed accordingly." 

A Republican on the Half-Shell. 
The New York World, with a sarcasm as truthful as it 
is amusing, dubs the soft-shelled philosopher " a Repub- 
lican on the half-shell!" 




120 that convention ' ok, 

The Fourteenth Amendment on the Nomination. 
Interviewing one of the intelligent colored barbers of 
the Burnet House, concerning the nomination, and the 
manner in which it would be received by the colored 
people, he said, " Mr. Greeley would be all right enough, 
— only he never knows twice what he wants once, and 
he wasn't nominated at the right place /" 

A Strong "Way of Putting it. 

A prominent German gentleman, who, unlike most of 
his nationality, is not a friend of Grant's, says : 

"I would rather have anybody for President than 
Grant — and I would rather have Grant than Greeley !" 

"Which goes to show that Herr Greeley doesn't count 
as a unit, even with anti-Administration men. 

Knows Him too Well. 

(One of the " oldest inhabitants" of New York, con- 
cerning the " Dolly Varden" nominee :) 

Interviewer — " So you are a Greeley man, I suppose f 

Oldest Inhabitant — "Well, I've read the Tribune ever 
since it was started, and the papers he edited before 
that; — read him every day for thirty years." 

Interviewer — " I see, you're a gone case — one of his old 
stand-bys, so to speak." 

Oldest Inhabitant — " Not quite so fast ; I'm not for 
Greeley. I've read him too much for that !" 

. Greeley's Trump Card. 
Not that he loves the Woodhull less, but the modern 
Cincinnati-us more, does that bright, and every-way 
peculiar star of pyrotechnic journalism, Theodore Til- 
ton, declare for Greeley. If, as H. G. modestly claims, 
T. T. really did " invent him for the Presidency," how 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 123 

modest of the editor and proprietor of the Golden Age 
when the stick of a meteoric editorial comes down thus : 
"Meanwhile, lest we should be charged in advance with a vain- 
glorious day-dream of some foreign mission or cabinet portfolio, we 
hereby forswear all future honors of the new Administration — ex- 
cept, perhaps, an old iriend's privilege, once in a while, of taking a 
cup of tea at the White House, provided the Master of the frugal 
feast should not happen to be over-crowded with better company. " 



124 



THAT CONVENTION ; OE^ 



vr. 

What H. G. Says. 




"Vote for me." 



From a private letter, written by the truly great and 
good Horace Greeley, to the Central Committee of the 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 127 

Any-body-to -beat-Grant Party, we are allowed to use a 
verbatim translation by " Kollo Rambler," as follows : 

Tribune Office, May 15, 1872. 
To Carl Schurz, Jefferson Davis, Horace White, William M. 

liveed, Theodore Ttlton, and all my other dear friends, 

greeting : 

You will pardon the pride I feel in the life-long, well- 
tried, and endearing ties which bind us together in a 
fraternal brotherhood, and the assurance founded upon 
this which has made it a matter entirely of my own 
choice as to when and how I should acknowledge the 
nomination — of which I had not received the slightest 
intimation, until officially informed by you. 

A fortnight passed amid the umbrageous seclusion of 
Chappaqua, in the rare delights of sowing seeds for 
the propagation of Greeley Clubs and in subsoiling and 
under draining to insure a " dead sure thing" on my crop 
of November beats, has enabled me to arrive at the phi- 
losophic conclusion that in honoring me, you have in a 
far greater degree done honor to yourselves. If in this 
matter you have done me proud, what congratulatory 
words can be said of a Republic of Forty Millions of 
freemen, who, untrammeled by the despotic thraldom 
which enslaves the inhabitants of effete despotisms, 
now have the glorious opportunity of electing me as 
their Chief Executive? (Excuse me for a moment 
while I look into the kitchen to see how my doughnuts 

are cooking.) Lives there a man with soul 

so dead as to dare dispute my written words, which are 
fearfully and wonderfully made? That man is a liar 
and a villain. 

And referring to the trivial matter of election, reminds 
me that I nave, in the interim of other agricultural 



128 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, 

duties, thrown off a few reasons why every one, enjoying 
the right of franchise, should vote for me. Make snch 
use of these as in your judgment may best subserve the 
cause of the new departure from jealousies, strifes, and 
hates, which have no longer adequate motive, or even 
plausible pretext, into an atmosphere of peace, frater- 
nity, and mutual mush, and, believe me, modestly, 
but firmly, now, henceforth, and forever, 

Horace Greeley. 
Yote for Me ! 

To the Republicans : 

Am I not the first and only " original Jacobs ?" 

To the Democrats : 

Have I not always acted as a counter-irritant when 
the Republicans became too radical in their policy ? 

To the Protectionists : 

Am I not the great Apostle and Champion of Pro- 
tection ? 

To the Free Traders : 

Did I not, with rare wisdom, counsel my Cincinnati 
friends that this vexed question should be left entirely 
to the adjudication of a free and enlightened people ? 

To the Secessionists : 

Did I not urge upon the North your "inalienable 
right" to go piece-ably out of the Union ? And did I 
not go bail for Jefferson Davis ? 

To the Unionists: 

Did I not insist upon a vigorous prosecution of the 
war ? (Don't put in anything about Bull Run. — H. G.) 

To the Negroes : 

Before the war, was I not always your best friend ? 
And since the war, have I not advocated and insisted 
upon the stiffest kind of a Ku-Klux bill for your pro- 
ection ? 



imMiim 




FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 131 

To the K. K. K. : 

Am I not strenuously urging the repeal of the bill 
which is so offensive to you ? 

To Administration men : 

Have I not first proposed every good and popular 
measure which has made Grant a success? 

To Anti-Administration men : 

Have I not opposed to the very death every move 
made by the Usurper Grant ? 

To all honest men, and opposers of " rings :". 

Have I not always given " line upon line" in my inde- 
fatigable efforts to expose fraud and promote political 
honesty ? 

To Tammany: 

Have I not stood by you when your own best friends 
foreswore all knowledge of you, carefully suppressing 
all damaging testimony, and shielding you in every pos- 
sible way? 

To the Irish Catholics : 

Have I not insisted upon the extension of equal rights 
to all, regardless of nationality, encouraging immigration 
to our hospitable shores ? 

To the Irish haters: 

Have I not opposed with uncompromising energy the 
usurpations and aggravating encroachments of the Irish 
Catholics? 

To the Germans: 

Did I not do the square thing in the French arms 
business ? 

To the German haters : 

A™ I not always committed to temperance and Sun- 
day law, and order, and all that sort of a thing? 

H. G. 



132 THAT CONVENTION. 

(For lack of space we are obliged to omit any further 
portion of this interesting translation, which goes on to 
specify every known political clique,' religious order, 
secret society, working man's organization, and every 
known shade of social, political, and religious opinion. 
" You pays your money and takes your choice." Fac 
simile copies of the original document can be obtained 
by calling on or addressing the "Liberal Republican 
Central Committee, Boom 14, Astor House, New York.") 



h. a., 




WHICH BEING ENTEKPBETED MEANS, 



HORACE GREELEY 



PART THIRD. 



THE CABBAGE CANDIDATE. 



i. 

"What I Know About the Later Franklin.* 




" Give me my robe: put on my crown: I have Immortal longings 
in me." 

The gentle, lamb-like man upon whom, more to its own 
astonishment than his, the Cincinnati "What-do-call-it- 
now has thrust the greatness of a nomination, was born 
of honest but respectable parents in Amherst, New 
Hampshire, on the third of February, 1811. Any man 
who is not a liar and a villain can therefore discover 
that he is exactly sixty-one years three months and 
twenty-four hours old. This is a very good age to be 

* By Miss Buchanan, of the Chicago Evening Post, 



140 THAT CONVENTION ; OK, 

nominated at. The father of this experienced diplomat 
was a farmer ; which accounts for the singularly small 
amount of knowledge but the great familiarity which 
the son displays in the matter of scientific and 
political agriculture, and which constitutes his chief 
qualification to preside over all the departments, especi- 
ally foreign, of the government of the United States. In 
his childhood he had a surprisingly sweet and precocious 
way of calling his father Zaccheus; for that was his 
father's name; and there is nothing, unless it be the 
majority of 4,329 in Livingston county for Lincoln, to 
show that the modern epic beginning with the well- 
known lines, " Zaccheus he, did clum a tree," was not 
one of the early efforts of the sylph-like Horace, who 
even in childhood had a singular affection for those little 
creatures whom Providence has, for some mysterious 
reason, permitted to edit the country press. To one of 
these reptiles he became apprenticed when fifteen years 
old; and its name was the Northern Spectator. "While at 
work here he became intimately acquainted with horti- 
culture, and especially with the various families of the 
mealy vegetable discovered by De Soto and still the 
pride of the virtuous domestic table ; we refer — is it 
necessary to add ? — to the potato. Among the composi- 
tors of this lying journal, Dod (that was the preferred 
pet name for this well-trained statesman) learned the 
awful habits of appalling profanity which are the most 
distinguishing characteristic of his mature years ; which 
indeed are only surpassed by his renowned trick of mak- 
ing his latest newspaper popular with the farming classes 
by palming off upon them waggish recipes for the mak- 
ing of beet sugar out of late autum hay, and the shoe- 
ing of cow's feet to make them give buttermilk. If the 




INNOCENCE ABROAD. 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 143 

eows do not comply, it is simply proof positive that they 
are bought by British gold. When but twenty years 
old, Dod's employer was sold out worse than Trumbull 
or Davis ; but he had learned so much about political 
statistics that anybody who ever differed from him was 
set down by the finger of public scorn as a born idiot 
and a condemned (to be pronounced very quick) fool. 

Meanwhile his surviving ancestors, to wit, his paternal 
and maternal relatives, were residing in Erie, Pa.; and 
Dod, being out of employment, paid them a brief but 
profitable visit; for it was at this time he committed to 
memory the tonnage in the Erie canal since 1825, with 
the annual variations in tolls, the names of all vessels 
that passed through, the number of bushels carrying 
capacity of each, and the profit and loss accounts of 
their owners. He also suggested, while tarrying in the 
locality, a model for a canal boat, which, when com- 
pleted and set afloat in the canal, persisted in keeping 
bottom up. He explained to heaven-defying scoffers 
that this was all right ; because then the grain was 
likely to be wet only on one side. But the Canal Board, 
being packed with purchasable minions, never adopted 
the model. Going successively to Jamestown and Lodi, 
in York State, he worked as a journeyman compositor, 
adding more expletives to his already rich repertoire 
than gold to his pocket, and in 1831 he started for New 
York, the proud and happy possesser of ten dollars, and 
no trunk; not even a walking-stick. After two years' 
frugal labor in type-setting he and a Mr. Story [need 
we say it was not an ancestor of the late supporter of 
the Liberal Free-Trade movement in Chicago ?] started 
a little enterprise of their own, and did the printing of 
the Morning Post, the first penny daily paper in the 



144 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, 

United States. Like as the previous undertaking with 
which he was connected, failed, so failed this ; and in 
1834 Mr. Greeley, outgrowing the name of Dod, became 
the editor of the weekly New Yorker. Its great excel- 
lence lay in its political statistics. It lived seven years, 
and, like its editor, spent more than it earned. During 
its life Mr. Greeley was compelled to earn the honest 
bread of home industry by writing editorials for the 
Daily Whig, the Jeffersonian and Log Cabin. It was his 
connection with the last which gave him his amazing 
knowledge of navigation. In 1841 he was enabled to 
consolidate all these periodicals into the Daily Tribune. 

His political life began, strictly speaking, in 1848, 
when he was elected to fill a vacancy in Congress; he 
remained there little more than a year, devoting himself 
chiefly to the improvement of bean-poles, and introduc- 
ing resolutions to compel the Mississippi to avoid snags. 
The latter would have succeeded had not the infernal 
spirit of treason been rampant in both houses. He is 
the author of several volumes not much spoken of out- 
side the columns of the New York Tribune, to wit : 
" Hints toward Reforms," published in 1850 ; " Glances 
at Europe," written after his return from a visit to the 
continent in 1851, where he found the effete despotisms 
grovelling in ignorance, on all agricultural subjects ; a 
" History of Slavery from 1787 to 1856 ;" and in later 
life, a biography of the rebellion, and " What I Know 
About Farming." 

The two greatest events of his life are his advocacy of 
peaceable secession for the Southern States in 1861 ; 
his bailing Jefferson Davis in 1865 ; and his nomination, 
by way of a joke, at the Cincinnati Free-Trade Conven- 
tion in 1872. 




I 




SAMUEL L. CLEMENS, 
(Mark Twain.) 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



147 



II 

The Champion Chirography of The Modern Cincinnatus.* 




Erickson unbosoms his woes to Mark Twain. 
Mark Twain once met a poor demented individual in 
the Island of Hawaii, whose name was Simon Erickson, 
formerly a preacher from Michigan. The mournful ex- 
perience and unhappy fate of this unfortunate man, 
which is directly traceable to the penmanship of the 



By Mark Twain, in his new book entitled "Roughing It." 



148 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, 

" Cabbage Candidate " for the Presidency, was reported 
in short hand by Mr. Twain, in the words of Erickson 
himself : 

Mrs. Beazeley — Mrs. Jackson Beazeley, widow, of the 
Village of Campbelltown, Kan., wrote me about a matter 
which was near her heart — a matter which many might 
think trivial, but to her it was a thing of deep concern. 
I was living in Michigan then, serving in the ministry. 
She was, and is, an estimable woman — a woman to whom 
poverty and hardship have proven incentives to industry 
in place of discouragements. Her only treasure was her 
son "William, a youth just verging upon manhood ; re- 
ligious, amiable, and sincerely attached to agriculture. 
He was the widow's comfort and her pride. And so, 
moved by her love for him, she wrote me about a matter, 
as I have said before, which lay near her heart, because 
it lay near her boy's. She desired me to confer with Mr. 
Greeley about turnips. Turnips were the dream of her 
child's young ambition. While other youths were 
frittering away in frivolous amusements the precious 
years of budding vigor which God had given them for 
useful preparation, this boy was patiently enriching his 
mind with useful information concerning turnips. The 
sentiment which he felt* toward the turnip was akin to 
adoration. He could not - think of the turnip without 
emotion ; he could not speak of it calmly; he could not 
contemplate it without exaltation. He could not eat it 
without shedding tears. All the poetry in his sensitive 
nature was in sympathy with the gracious vegetable. 
With the earliest pipe of dawn he sought his patch, and 
when the curtaining night drove him from it he shut 
himself up with his books and garnered statistics till 
sleep overcame him. On rainy days he sat and talked 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 149 

hours together with his mother about turnips. When 
company came he made it his loving duty to put aside 
everything else and converse with them all the day long 
of his great joy in the turnip. And yet was this joy 
rounded and complete ? "Was there no' secret alloy of 
unhappiness in it ? Alas, there was. There was a 
canker gnawing at his heart ; the noblest aspiration of 
his soul eluded his endeavor, viz. ; he could not make 
of the turnip a climbing vine. Months went by ; the 
bloom forsook his cheek, the fire faded out of his eyes; 
sighings and abstractions usurped the place of smiles 
and cheerful converse. But a watchful eye noted these 
things, and in time a motherly sympathy unsealed the 



•^J^JSSc^* 



^^^ 



t& 




fc*^ 







150 THAT CONVENTION J OR, 

secret. Hence the letter to me. She pleaded for atten- 
tion — she said her boy "was dying by inches. I was a 
stranger to Mr. Greeley, but what of that ? The matter 
was urgent. I wrote and begged him to solve the 
difficult problem, if possible, and save the student's life. 
My interest grew, until it partook of the anxiety of the 
mother. I waited in much suspense. At last the 
answer came. I found that I could not read it readily, 
the handwriting being unfamiliar and my emotions being 
somewhat wrought up. It seemed to refer in part to 
the boy's case, but chiefly to others and irrevelant 
matters — such as paving-stones, electricity,* oysters, and 
something which I took to be " absolution" or " agrarian- 
ism." I could not be certain which. Still, these ap- 
peared to be simply casual mentions, nothing more — 
friendly in spirit, without doubt, but lacking the co- 
herence or connection necessary to make them useful. 
I judged that my understanding was affected by rcy 
feelings, and so laid the letter away till the morning. 
In the morning I read it again, but with difficulty and 
uncertainty still, for I had lost some little rest, and my 
mental vision seemed clouded. The note was more con- 
nected now, but did not meet the emergency it was ex- 
pected to meet. It was too discursive. It appeared to 
read as follows, though I was not certain of some of the 
words : 

"Polly-gamy dissembles majesty: extracts redeem polarity: causes 
hitherto exist. Ovations pursue wisdom, of warts inherit and con- 
demn. Boston, botany, cakes, folony undertakes, but who shall 
allay? We fear not. -Yrxwly. Hevace Eveeloj." 

But there did not seem to be one word about turnips. 
There seemed to be no suggestion how they might be 
made to grow like vines. There was not even a refer- 



FIVE DATS A POLITICIAN. 153 

ence to the Beazeleys. I slept upon the matter. I ate 
no supper ; neither any breakfast next morning. So I 
resumed my work with a brain refreshed, and was very 
hopeful. Now the letter took a different aspect — all 
save the signature, which latter I judged to be only a 
harmless affectation of Hebrew. The epistle was neces- 
sarily from Mr. Greeley, for it bore the printed heading 
of the Tribune, and I had written to no one else there. 
The letter, I saw, had taken a different aspect, but still 
its language was eccentric and avoided the issue. It 
now appeared to say : 

"Bolivia extemporizes mackerel : borax esteems polygamy ; saus- 
ages wither in the East. Creation perdu, is done : for woes inherent 
one can damn. Buttons, buttons, corks, geology underrate but we 
shall allay. My beer's out. Yrxwly, Hevace Eveelog." 

I was evidently overworked. My comprehension was 
impaired. Therefore, I gave two days to recreation, and 
then returned to my task greatly refreshed. The letter 
now took this form : 

Poultices do sometimes choke swine : tulips reduce prosperity : 
causes leather to resist. Our notions empower wisdom, her let's 
afford while we can. Butter but any cakes, fill any undertaker, 
we'll wean him from his filly. We feel hot. Yrxwly. 

Hevace Eveeeoj. 

I was still not satisfied. These generalities did not 
meet the question. They were crisp and vigorous, and 
delivered with a confidence that almost compelled con- 
viction, but at such a time as this, with a human life at 
stake, they seemed inappropriate, worldly, and in bad 
taste. At any other time I would have been not only 
glad but proud to receive from a man like Mr. Greeley 
a letter of this kind, and would have studied it earnestly, 
and tried to improve myself all I could ; but now, with 



154 THAT CONVENTION J OR, 

that poor boy in his far home languishing for relief, I 
had no heart for learning. Three days passed by, and 
I read the note again. Again its tenor had changed. It 
now appeared to say : 

Potations do sometimes wake wines : turnips restrain passion ; 
causes necessary to state. Infest the poor widow ; her lord's effects 
will be void. But dirt, bathing, &c, &c, followed unfairly, will 
worm him from his folly — so swear not. Yrxwly. 

Hevace Eveeloj. 

This was more like it. But I was unable to proceed. 
I was too much worn. The word "turnips" brought 
temporary joy and encouragement, but my strength was 
so much impaired, and the delay might be so perilous 
for the boy, that I relinquished the idea of pursuing the 
translation further, and resolved to do what I ought to 
have done at first. I sat down and wrote Mr. Greeley 
as follows : 

iDeak Sib : I fear I do not entirely comprehend your kind note. 
It cannot be possible, sir, that turnips restrain passion — at least the 
study or contemplation of turnips cannot — for it is this very employ- 
ment that has scorched our poor young friend's mind and sapped his 
bodily strength. But if they do restrain it, will you bear with us a 
little further and explain how they should be prepared ? I observe 
that you say ' ' causes necessary to state, " but you have omitted to 
state them. Under a misapprehension you seem to attribute to me 
interested motives in this matter — to call it by no harsher term. 
But I assure you, dear sir, that if I seem to be " infesting the 
widow, " it is all seeming, and void of reality. It is from no seeking 
of mine that I am in this position. She asked me herself, to write 
you. I never have infested her; indeed, I scarcely know her. I 
do not infest anybody. I try to go along, in my humble way, doing 
as near right as I can, never harming anybody, and never throwing 
out insinuations. As for "her lord and his" effects," they are of no 
interest to me. I trust I have effects enough of my own. I shall 
endeavor to get along with them, at any rate, and not go mousing 
around, to get hold of somebody's that are "void." But, do you 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 155 

not see ? this woman is a widow — she has no " lord." He is dead, 
or pretended to be when they buried him. Therefore, no amount 
of " dirt, bathing," &c., however, " unfairly followed, " .will be likely 
to " worm him from his folly," if being dead and a ghost is "folly." 
Your closing remark is as unkind as it was uncalled for, and, if re- 
port says true, you might have applied it to yourself, sir, with more 
point and less impropriety. Very truly yours, Simon Eeickson. 

In the course of a few days Mr. Greeley did what 
would have saved a world of trouble, and much mental 
and bodily suffering and misunderstanding, if he had 
done it sooner, to wit : he sent an intelligible rescript or 
translation of his original note, made in a plain hand by 
his clerk. Then the mystery cleared, and I saw that his 
heart had been right all the time. I will recite the note 
in its clarified form : 

[Translation. ] 
Potatoes do sometimes make vines; turnips remain passive; cause 
unnecessary to state. Inform the poor widow her lad's efforts will 
be vain. But diet, bathing, &c. , &c. , followed uniformly, will wean 
him from his folly — so fear not. Yours, Horace Geee:ley. 

But, alas, it was too late, sir, too late. The 
criminal delay had done its work — young Beazeley was 
no more. His spirit had taken its flight to a land where 
all anxieties shall be charmed away, all desires gratified, 
all ambitions realized. Poor lad, they laid him to rest 
with a turnip in each hand. 




D. B. LOCKE, 
(Petroleum V. Nasby.) 



m. 

Eev. Peteoleum V. Nasby Converts the " Corners " to 
the " Cabbage Candidate.*" 




I hed a severe time uv it." 



CONPEDEIT X ROADS, ) 

(wich is in the State uv Kentucky) ]■ 
May 8, 1872. ) 

I hed a severe time uv it at the Corners, gittin our people to con- 
sent to takin the great and good Horris Greeley to ther buzzums, 
and embracin uv him the same ez tho he hed bin Breckinridge 
Hoffman, or some sich man, wich they hed bin more familyer with. 
It took four days uv persistent swearin afore I cood convince em that 
I hed any idee uv supportin a man wich they hed heerd me denounce 



By D. R. Locke, of the Toledo Blade. 



160 THAT CONVENTION J OB, 

ez the viles Ablishen despot on earth, a thousand times. Alas! 
they don't know the full elasticissity uv the Democratic mind. 

I called a meetin, and give em an account uv my stewardship at 
Cincinnati. 

I commenst my remarks by sayin that I went to Cincinnati with a 
view uv nominatin that sterlin patriot, Judge Davis, who tho in 
offls ez a Republikin, hezn't enuff Republikinism about him to hurt 
him, or that other sterlin patriot Charles Francis Adams, the son of 
John Quincy Adams, but wich hezn't anything uv the Adams about 
him ,but the name. It wuz a gatherin uv the people, not an offls- 
holders convenshun ; and that wuz what wus the matter with us. 
Not one of the delegates held a Government posishen, and not one uv us 
hed any chance of gettin one under Grant. ' ' Grant be d — d, " wuz 
the cry in chorus. " Give us anybody else." 

I confest, tho, I was somewhat disappointed. The Convenshen 
hed throwd off on Adams and Davis and nominated Greeley. 

"Hang him!" shouted the people, "I kin lick any man in a 
minute, who asks me to vote for him !" shouted Kernal McPelter. 

I paid no attention to these compliments. 

"I hed no idee uv even supportin him, and wuz glad uv his 
nominashen only ez I beleeved he wood draw off enuff Republikin 
votes to enable us to elect a sound Constitooshnel Democrat — " 

" That's wat we want — a sound Constitooshnel Democrat !" yelled 
Kernel McPelter, late of the Contederit servis. 

"But I hev notist that the great majority uv the. Democratic 
papers — (I kin read, my brethren, and hev that advantage over 
yoo) — insist on adoptin him at our Convenshun, and ef so, he is our 
candidate. " 

"We'll see him — " 

"Hold!" said I quickly, "No good Demokrat kin bolt a regler 
nominashen, and after all Horris is not the wust one we kin hev. 
Our motto wuz " Principles, not men." We carried it out to the letter. 
We adopted principles ; and ez for men, we come ez near nothin ez pos- 
sible, under the circumstances. Troo, he is a high protective tariff man, 
wich don't soot Elder Pennibacker, but the Elder must remember that 
the versateel Horris is willin, ef we will support him, to treat that ishoo 
ez one to be settled by the people elsewhere. He was an oppresserof 
the South, Kernel McPelter would say. Troo, he wuz at times, and 
then again at times he wuznt. I hevwacht the great and good Greeley 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 163 

very closely for many years. There ain't no question that I now 
remember uv (except slavery and the price of the New York Weekly 
Triboon), that he ain't bin on both sides uva dozen times. Like the 
intoxicated indivijuel who coodent git into bed coz the room wuz 
whirlin round s and who determined, finally, to lay still and wait till 
the bed come round to him, all that any question hez got to do is to 
stay still and Horris is certin to come round to it. He bleeved 
slavery wuz unconstitooshnel and yet wuz for payin the nigger 
owners for the nigger. He defended John Brown's raid and opposed 
secession. Then inmiejitly thereafter he favored secession, then 
insisted on war, agin us for secedin, then urged the Federal hirelins 
on to Richmond then tried to patch up a peace with us. He hez 
bin a Radical and a Conservative, a Fourierite and a believer in bran 
bread. He opposed Taylor and supported him ; he supported 
Linkin and opposed him. In short, he hez. been on all sides uv all 
questions — one side to-day and tother to-morrow, and very frek entry 
both at the same time. In short, I don't know uv nothin that he 
hezn't bin, and can't imagine nothin that he ain't extremely likely 
to be. I read his record yesterday, and wuz wuss tore up in my 
mind than ez tho I hed bin on a drunk for a week. I never knowd 
more confusin or intoxication readin." 

" But, " sed Deekin Pogram, " are we Dimocrats to be compelled 
to vote for sich a bundle uv contradickshens ? 

" My aged friend, " I replied blandly, "wood yoo like to receeve 
from me the triflin sum uv one hundred and eighty dollars, wich I 
owe yoo ? Wood Bascom ? Wood — " 

From every indivijuel in that awjence there came up like the roar 
uv a torrent : ' ' Yes !" 

On the question of my payin my debts the Corners is singlerly 
yoomanimous. 

"My brethren, the way to my liquidatin is Post Orifis, and Post 
Orifis only. Ef I wuz in my old place now okkepied by that dis- 
gustin nigger, Lubbock, yoo wood hev at least a chance for yoor 
money. Ef the great and good Greeley is elected that nigger goes 
out, and I go in. Pollock goes out of the Collector s Offis, and in 
goes Issaker Gavitt or Kernel McPelter, Watkins the nigger Assessor 
woodent be allowed to hold his place a minit, and that saint Deekin 
Pogram, or that other saint, Elder Pennibacker, wood be immejitly 
installed, and—" 



164 THAT CONVENTION J OK, 

"(Hear! hear!" from Issaker Gavitt, Elder Pennibacker, Mc- 
Pelter and Pogram — Kernel McPelter earnestly licMn a man who 
indulged in lafter.) 

"In short, my brethren, we want the offisis. We hev been eatin 
grass like Nebuchadnezzar, sence 1860 (with the exception of John- 
son's blessed yeers), and Pharoah's lean kine aint nothin to us. We 
hunger and thirst for em. Uv course I'd rather git my place back 
agin thro Breckenridge, but rather than not hev it I'd take it from 
Wendell Phillips hisself. Ef Greeley is necessary to gittin them I 
go Greeley. He may shift ez fast ez he pleases, I kin follow him. 
Put that Post Orifis in front uv me, and ef he can shift faster than I 
kin, I hev overestimated my powers in that line. He will insist upon 
qualincashens strenuously, but he hez his own standard. He be- 
leeves that them who admire Horris Greeley are, ex offisho, fit for 
any place under any Government, and them who don't ain't wurth a 
d — n for anything. I am talented at admirin sich men, I am." 

Pogram, Pennibacker, McPelter and Issaker Gavitt wuz entirely 
convinced, but there wuz still murmurin among the others. 

" You idiots," sed I sternly, is Grant a Bepublikin?" 

" He is !— he is !" 

"Hev yoo, ez Democrats, anything to expect from him?" 

" We hevn't !" they replied. 

V Do you know the pekoolyarities uv the great and good Horris ? 
We know what he is to-day ; we know wat he wuz yesterday, and 
sich uv yoo ez kin read plain print and write without runnin yoor 
tongues out kin assertane wat he wuz before that. Wat he has been 
yoo know, but wat he will be only the Almity,- who knows all things 
can tell, and no one but hisself supposes he is uv suffishnt account to 
be made the subject of prophecy. We are very certain uv aEepubli- 
kin ef Grant is elected — we may hev a Pepublikin or a Demokrat, ef 
Greeley succeeds. Its an even chance where he lites, with the per 
cent, in our favor, for uv course the Eepublikihs will make fun uv 
him, wich is the only thing he never forgives. Ez an uncertainty is 
better for us than a certainty, 'rah for Greeley ! " 

They wuz convinst and immejitly a Greeley Club was organized. 
In Cincinnati I hed embarkt in a speckulashun. I hed twenty dol- 
lars left from the money I hed borrowed uv Judge Davis' committee, 
and I invested 'em in fifty white hats uv an ancient pattern, expectin 
to sell them to the Greeley Club, wich I intended to organize, at, 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



165 



say, $1 50 each. After the club was organized .1 stated to 'em that 
the yooniform must be the style uv dress uv our beloved chief ; a 
white hat and the left pantaloons' leg on the top uv the boot leg, and 
that I hed sekoored white hats enuff to supply the club. Here a 
difficulty okkurred. In the entire party there wuzn't a pair uv 
pantaloons which wazn't worn off at least three inches above where 
a boot-top wood be, and it bein warm weather the aujence was all 
bare-footed. However they took the hats readily, and I stashened 
myself at a table to receive the cash for 'em. A profit of fifty-five 
dollars wuzn't so bad. Alas ! how human hopes are blighted ! Bas- 
com sed he'd take them hats, collect the money for 'em and credit 
me on account ! and he did it. I didn't get a dollar uv it ! 




"It wuz a cheerin site." 
I swallowed it ez best I mite, for it ain't no good to make a row 
about it. No one in the Corners kin oppose Bascom, for he hez all 
the likker there iz. But we hed a jollificashen over the organiza- 
shen. It wuz a cheerin site to see fifty men all in Greeley white hats 
drinMn the health uv the great Horris in Bascom's new whisky ! It 
wuz a cheerin site to see the zeal wich the admirers uv the white- 
coated philanthropist, all in white hats, went for sich niggers ez they 
found in the streets that nite ! I don't despair uv seein niggers 
flogged under them white hats. Petroleum V. Nasby, 

(Wich wuz Postmaster. ) 



166 



THAT CONVENTION ; OR, 



IV. 

The Epicurean Greeley on Doughnuts. 

Every department of useful knowledge has at some 
time, or other, been the subject of careful investigation 
and practical experiment by Horace the Great ; hence, 
culinary matters have come in for a fair share of his 
attention. 

It was the document that follows, which received the 
attention of the State Legislature of Pennsylvania, during 








' ' Truly delicious. ' ' 

its last session, that suggested the appropriate name of 
the "Doughnut Platform" for that adopted by the Cin- 
cinnati Convention : 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



167 



" Tribune Office, Feb. 27, 1872. 

"Me. J. T. V., Reading, Fa.— Dear Sir: Your favor of the 21st 
inst. is just received. As the season is advanced, and has kept me 
in the house a great deal, I have been trying to better the condition 
of our people by endeavoring to make improvements in cooking. 

' ' For some years I found that doughnuts lay too heavy on my 
stomach, which my physicians attribute to the fat in which they are 
fried. They tell me that a doughnut contains about eighty times as 
much fat as is consistent with the doughnut. To overcome this diffi- 
culty I have gone to considerable philosophic research. By using 
only one-eighth of the usual amount of fat for frying them, Mrs. Gree- 
ley assured me the doughnuts would burn. By using eight times as 
much flour, I would have eight times as much doughnuts as I 




: ' The tide was still rising." 



168 



THAT CONVENTION : OR, 




" We only saved three." 

wanted. I therefore determined to use eight times the usual amount 
of sots. Mrs. G. fixed up the batter in the bread bowl ; having made 
exact proportions. I put in one pint of sots. The next morning, on 
entering the kitchen, we found that the batch of doughnuts had risen 
about ninety degrees above our highest expectations, and the tide 
was still rising. Mrs. G. heated Ihe lard, while I tried to stir down 
the batter, hut all to no use. I poured in some fat, but it spurted 
and crackled, and I was mortified to find my experiment a failure. 
Too much sots in doughnuts is worse than Carl Schurz in a caucus. 
"But I was not dismayed. Education has done much for the 
human mind, and there is no reason in philosophy why it should not 
do as much for doughnuts. To preserve the tone of the doughnut 
without the fat, I substituted alcohol for lard ; but the consequence 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 169 

was that Mrs. G. and myself narrowly escaped with our lives. "We 
only saved three doughnuts out of the batch, two of which we ate, 
and sent the third to Mr. Beecher. They were truly delicious, but 
they are too high priced, and the manufacture is attended with too 
much risk for this brand ever to become a popular diet. Those we 
made cost us about seventy-five cents apiece. 

" I hear that in your vicinity you raise a small fruit called pretzels, 
which are said to be very good when cooked. Please send me a few 
seeds, and I will set them out in the spring. 

"HORACE GREELEY." 



170 THAT CONVENTION. 



V. 

First Message of the (Do-anything-to-be) Next President. 

Washington, March 21, 1873. 
The President to-day returned to the Senate the bill 
imposing a tax of ten cents per ton on guano, accompa- 
nied by the following veto message : 

I return this obnoxious measure without my approval. The man 
who introduced it is an ass; the men who voted for it are scheming 
British agents, and the men who say this is not the case are liars and 
horse-thieves . I judge that, on an average, every man, woman, and 
child in America uses a ton of guano in some shape or other; whether 
as the farmer in New York, Louisiana, Colorado, Podunk, &c, in 
agriculture, or as Charles A. Dana, for editorial articles. "We thus 
consume, in round figures, 40,000,000 of tuns of guano annually. 
The arbitrary and revolutionary act which I veto to-day would thus 
impose a tax of $40, 000,000 a year on our people. With what effect ? 
It would not stimulate the production; American birds could not 
compete with the pauper labor of birds in debauched and priest- 
ridden Central America. I am not quite sure as to what I mean, or 
why it is not so, or what is which; but the man who speaks to the 
contrary is a hell-hound, and bribed by British gold. H. G. 



"A HORSE! A HORSE! 
MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE." 



PART FOURTH, 

(And last: — which is far more pertinent to the Cincin- 
nati Convention than that comical conclave was to the 
objects which nominally called it together, and nomina- 
tionally dispersed it in disgust. ) 








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A DOUBLE-TEAM TROT. 



i. 

Houses in Motion (Which is Immoeal). 




The Start. 
(If any "kind reader '*' has struggled along to this point, 
she, or he, must be as tired of the book as was the Editor 
when he had achieved the completion of the first three 
parts, and with him will be glad to recreate a little in 
the way of a ride up the avenue behind two " spanking 
bays," — which, by the by, Wilke's Spirit characterizes as 
the liveliest thing of the kind ever written this side the 
ocean. ) 

A pair of fast horses is not a bad thing to have — pro- 



ISO THAT CONVENTION J OR, 

vided they are not just " fast " enough to always get beat. 
Personally, I am no lover of horse-racing, as it is usually 
carried on for money. Never bet a cent on a horse race 
— never shall. But I know of no recreation equal to a 
ride along Michigan avenue behind a certain pair of sor- 
rels that claim me for their master. 

I shall never forget a ride I took behind my sorrels in 
company with a noted lawyer of this city, last spring. 

My friend always takes the cars, and is opposed to 
horse-racing. Is a good Presbyterian, and of course it's 
against his creed ; but consented to ride to Hyde Park 
with me in case I would agree to drive slow. The after- 
noon was balmy ; roads in the best possible condition ; 
the horses felt in good spirits; but of course we started 
at a slow pace, intending to take a full hour to make the 
six miles. One after another of the thousand-dollar 
spankers one sees on the avenue passed us, and it was 
with some difficulty that I could resist the temptation to 
"let them out /'believing with Henry WardBeecher, that 
if the Maker of the horse had not intended the horse to 
" go," He would not have put the " go " into him. 

"These horses seem to go by you without much 
trouble," said my friend. 

" Yes !" I replied ; " I must keep my word with you 
and forego half the pleasure of the ride, to me, for your 
safety and pleasure." 

" Is the buggy firmly built and staunch ?" he inquired. 

" I think so," said I. "It is one of Brewster's best." 

" Are the horses gentle ?" 

"Well, yes! I think so." 

" Never run off ?" 

"Never, to my knowledge; but then it's safer to go 
slow," I suggested. 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 181 

" I am aware of that," said my friend, a little tartly. 
" I don't like to endanger our lives, and yet it's rather 
provoking to be left behind when the horses are so anxious 
to go, and can lead. I like to lead in everything I under- 
take in this life." 

" Well," said I, " if you say so, we will let them out." 
At this moment there dashed alongside a pair that 
were worthy our speed. 

" Can that pair trot much ?" asked my friend. 
" Yes," said I. " Shall we keep them company ?" 
" I am a little afraid," said the still hesitating Presby- 
terian. "Are you sure the buggy is firmly built and 
staunch ?" 

" Both," I reiterated — " Brewster's best !" 
"Brewster? Don't know him. Never practiced in 
Chicago, did he ?" 

" No ; he makes light wagons in New York." 
" Excuse me — I see — but hold on, please; we are surely 
going too fast." 

" I will hold up, if you say so." 

" I do ; — but, confound it — don't get beat. The buggy 
is—" 



Yes," I anticipated, " warranted for a year." 
Life insured ?" 

No. Buggy's is— not mine. How is it with you ?" 
I have but $3,000. Was intending to take out 



By this time we were going very fast. It was, to use 
a common phrase, "Nip and Tuck" between the two 
pair, with Tuck — which was us — just a trifle behind. 

My friend grasped my arm in great excitement, ex- 
claiming, " By Jove, this is fun ! Let 'em out," and I 
did "let 'em out"— and our opponent did the same. No 
urging was needed— no whips used. The two sped 



182 



THAT CONVENTION ', OK, 



ahead magnificently. Now one would lead — then the 
other. Not a break for a clear half mile. 




"Life Insured?" 

"Can't we leave him behind ?" urged my friend. 

For the first time I shouted, " Go on, Billy !" which 
was rash of me, for Billy knew his business better than 
we did, and broke. 

"We are lost!" said my friend, "we are ruined" — 
mixing up the race with some important suit in which 
he was engaged. 

"Hold on," said I; "perhaps not. Whoa, Billy! 
Whoa ! Steady — don't disgrace us, my boy." A wicked 
jump or two and he settled into a frightful trot, and we 
both shouted, " Go in, Billy — go /" 

"Yes!" shouted the completely demoralized Presby- 
terian," " Go, Billy, for all you are worth, if you never 
did before ;" and sure enough he did go, as if fully 
realizing the situation. Both went. Yes, all four 
went, at a terrible gait, regardless of life and limb ; the 
gravel flew back like hail 

" Cover your mouth for the home stretch," I sug- 
gested, " or you'll need a dentist to-morrow." 



FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 



18- 



" Don't ta]k to ine of dentists or teeth, but beat that 
fellow, and I will square our accounts to-morrow, in a 
way that will show that even a Chicago lawyer has some 
conscience." 

Having had some experience in this direction, and as 
this reduced the race to a financial matter (no betting, 
however), I again spoke to Billy and mate, when they 
again increased their speed, and bearing beautifully 
ahead, left us masters of the situation, in sight of Hyde 
Park. 

Now all this may have been very wicked, according to 
the belief of many good people ; but neither of us 
thought so, for it brought the oxygen to our cheeks, 
vigor to our bodies, and a healthy rest and recreation to 
our brains. 




"Bearing beautifully ahead." 

The good Methodist sister on the Mississippi thought 
boat-racing very wicked, when the race began, but she 
fed the furnace with her invoice of fat hams when the 
wood was exhausted. 

We are fully aware that a large portion of the 
Christian world think keeping a fast horse is wicked, 



184 THAT CONVENTION. 

and would not look at a horse-race, unless it was 
through their fingers, — as the modest Quaker lady did 
at the statuary, — for fear of committing an unpardonable 
sin. Now I am of a decidedly different opinion, and can 
see no more harm in looking at a trial of speed between 
horses than between two birds in mid air. 

I do not think that Mr. Bonner's charities, and efforts 
in encouraging American authors, are of any less value 
because he loves the horse ; nor were the eloquent ser- 
mons of the Kev. Mr. Spear, of New York, any less 
forcible because he was fond of fast horses, and offered 
$2,000 for the Flora Temple of his time. Better a thou- 
sand times for a minister to own and drive a fast horse 
than to preach with a diseased brain or a dyspeptic 
stomach. 



THE END 



OCT 12 1903 



